Lately I’ve been starting to own some of my deepest fears. I’ve admitted them, faced up to some of them, started to deal with them and eventually with God’s help: I’ll overcome them.
But you see , I often have this awful feeling that’s hanging over me like a heavy blanket. It’s that feeling that lurks in the back of your mind that isn’t obvious but it makes you aware that you’re ‘uneasy’ about something, but it’s something that you can’t quite pinpoint.
I often complain because it feels like we never get invited anywhere, but when we do – my brain starts going into overload and I start the train of thought:
‘What if the boys can’t handle the noise, the crowds, the venue….What if Harley can’t eat anything there, What if no-one talks to them, what if people DO talk to them and make fun of them, what if one of them has a meltdown….what if we never get invited back’.
Or worse still: ‘What if they behave so beautifully that they make me look like a big drama mama looking for sympathy’!? (because it’s all about ME don’t you know!)
And then I start thinking of ways that I can decline the invitation graciously whilst feeling sorry for myself in the process.
But then other times, we DO accept invites and we DO actually go out. But I rarely enjoy it because the entire time that we are there, I am trying to stay one step ahead at all times. Trying to predict possible triggers and avoid them if possible and I throw all my energy into making sure that the kids are taken care of that I forget about me.
Do you see what I’m doing here?
I’m getting so caught up and carried away with the what if’s that I am unable to enjoy the moment. I am unable to go out and have a good time because I’m afraid of the consequences of letting down my guard for even a few minutes.
And that’s not just me being overly protective. I have let my guard down before, I have listened to well meaning friends tell me “He’ll be fine” and “Stop worrying” only to have to deal with the mammoth-sized meltdown once we get home again.
And I really don’t know which is worse.
And in particular, this passage:
It’s impossible to reach your God-given destiny if you allow negative thoughts to fill your mind. Dread is a close relative of fear, and allowing it to remain in your mind, sets you up for misery and robs you of joy.
And that’s what I’m taking with me into this week. I’m responsible for my own happiness. I don’t have to allow dread and fear to make decisions for me. Yes, going out with my boys sometimes is very hard and draining, but I have decided to refuse to live in dread anymore.