Tossing out the pebbles.

Decisions are like skimming rocks upon a glistening lake,

Some glide while others plummet and then sink,

I make my plans and polish the stones to see if I can make,

My choices win and not end up in the drink.

~

I’m asking lots of questions but the answer does not come,

Solutions wave and mock me from afar,

I feel my strength unraveling; I’m slowly being undone,

I wonder if it has to be this hard?

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The answers are in reach although I don’t know where to start,

I question if I really know my stuff?

My priorities are ordered and I know them all by heart,

But I doubt that they will ever be enough.

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If I could figure out just what my next few moves should be,

And make my brain relax and take a break,

I know then that I’d understand and be able to see,

In front of me and just what is at stake.

~

I need to learn to lay things down and not let them control,

My every waking thought until I crack,

But I’m the kind that feels all things with heart as well as soul,

And know that there’s no room for turning back.

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I know that once I stop and rest: The answer will hunt ME down,

But that requires me to let things be,

And that’s much easier said than done – I feel like I could drown,

But I have to or I’ll never again be free.

Looking for the next marker.

I was sitting down having a coffee and a chat with my husband this afternoon and it surprised me that we are both feeling exactly the same way lately. I thought that I was just having another one of my dissatisfied phases but to learn that he is also feeling blah kinda made me feel justified. (As awful as I know that sounds!)

We are both feeling stale and ready for some sort of change in our life. We are not unhappy so much as really really bored. I don’t think it’s necessarily got anything to do with being parents of special needs kids, I think it’s more than that. It feels like we are missing the stamina to decide our next move.

We are both dutifully putting one foot in front of the other day after day after day, but because all of our long time goals have dissipated and dissolved into the busyness of daily life – we know that any decision that we make in the short-term will have long-term effects on all of the children and that’s a risk that we don’t feel ready to take.

We talked about maybe buying a caravan and trying to go camping as a family on weekends, but the thought of spending hours trapped in a vehicle with a child who screams repeatedly every morning during the ten-minute drive to school quickly made us rethink that one!

We have considered the idea of Mr Patient finding a job closer to home (well actually – he’s happy there and doesn’t really want to leave – that’s all me ) so he’d be here more often to help out – but then we both know he wouldn’t be able to find a job that pays what he earns now this close to home. Sure it sucks that he’s away so much and works so far away from home, but the upside to this is that we can afford to live on one wage while ever he continues to work there.

So you have to take the good with the bad.

I mean, we could do it – but to survive, I’d have to go back to work which means finding (and financing) before and after school care for all three kids, having to find and finance holiday care four times a year for three kids and God forbid one of them should fall sick and need to stay home for the day…..it just wouldn’t financially make any sense.

Neither of us would be available to take the kids to their after school therapies so a lot would have to be let go. And it’s not like giving up swimming lessons…..speech therapy, social therapy and occupational therapies are what my boys desperately need right now.

These are some of the things that we’ve had to factor in to our equations.

We’d both love to move but we have no idea where to. (Still in this area but closer to school etc).

We both want a better-designed and more manageable house but we know that it would involve selling this place and a lot of work.

We are both slowly coming to the realisation that having family living nearby is pretty much never going to happen and we are starting to see that what we have here and now is pretty much as good as it’s going to get, so we need to get over it and start making the most of it and count our blessings. (More me than him – I tend to be the woe-is-me one.)

What we do have to rejoice in is healthy and happy children, and we are looking forward to a trip to Disneyland with my wonderful Mum in just over 6 weeks time!

We are very excited about this and trying really hard to not let our current unrest dampen our excitement.

Mickey, Donald, Pluto and Goofy here we come!!!

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Oh and…..36 is way too young for a mid-life crisis right?….Right?

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