Do you know what really amuses me?
The massive difference in how you are with your last child as opposed to your first!
I’m not exactly a seasoned mother myself being that my eldest is only 11 and I’m sure that parents of teenagers laugh at me in much the same way I smile smugly whenever I see a “new” mum out in public.
You know…..the ones with the MASSIVE nappy bag and the 6 dozen spare outfits and the fancy brand name pram and the tell-tale dark circles under her eyes!
I look back at when I was a first time mother with Ella and giggle.
When she was born , I had typical first time Mum angst!
Here are some amusing scenarios outlining the differences between how I was with my baby number 1 compared to my baby number 3.
*Baby’s dummy falls on the ground……
Baby number 1: IMMEDIATELY confiscate it and replace with a new one that’s been stored in a container that’s ALSO sterilised.
Baby number 2: Wash it with bottled water and return to baby’s mouth.
Baby number 3: Say “Ah, she’ll be right mate”, you blow on it and return to the baby’s mouth.
Baby has a sniffle……
Baby number 1: Rush straight to the emergency department and demand they test your baby for meningococcal disease.
Baby number 2: Make sure you have a supply of tissues on you at all times and if it continues for more than a few days, make an appointment with the GP “just in case”.
Baby number 3: What’s a Doctor? Give your child an antihistamine medicine that dries up runny noses and send them to pre-school anyway. After all….you NEED a break!
Baby has a wet *nappy whilst you’re out…..
Baby number 1: Change them straight away. If there is a tiny bit of wee on the outfit as well, change the entire outfit. Baby has to look lovely at all times. Continue to check and change them every hour throughout the day.
Baby number 2: Wait until you get home from the shopping centre. It won’t kill them to stay wet for another ten minutes. Isn’t that what disposable nappies with their “draw away from the skin liners” are for?
Baby number 3: Wet Nappy! Ah well…..at least it’s not pooey! Leave them in it until the next nappy change. Who’s got the time to change EVERY wee!
Your Toddler wakes up and calls for you from their cot in the morning to let you know they’re awake.….
Toddler number 1: You rush in there and cover them, with kisses and cuddles and tell them how much you missed them through the night!
Toddler number 2: You call out “Be there in a minute” and go and make a coffee first!
Toddler number 3: You see how long you can actually get away with calling out to them from YOUR OWN bed “Yeah, yeah, I’m coming” until they give up and climb out themselves or an older sibling lifts them out for you!
You notice your toddler fighting over a toy at playgroup with someone else’s child…..
Toddler number 1: Immediately go and gently remove the toy from your child’s grasp all the while explaining to them that “It’s not nice to take other children’s toys” and lecture them on the social rules of sharing. Then find the other child’s mother and apologise profusely.
Toddler number 2: Sit back and watch for a bit to see if the situation will eventually work itself out.
Toddler number 3: Notice it?? You’ve got your back turned to your child and you are too engrossed in the “I’m more tired than you are” conversations that you are having with the other mothers! And if the other child’s mother finds you to inform you that your child is being unkind to their child, you ask them who started it first and explain that “he’s got 2 older siblings, he’s used to having to fight for his rights”!
You’re out and it’s lunch-time and you forgot to bring your toddler’s sandwich with you….
Baby number 1: Go to a café and order a whole grain sandwich with cheese on it and a side of milk or watered down juice. Ask the staff to cut the crusts off and make it into triangles NOT squares. Make sure you give them a piece of fruit or yoghurt when you get home to balance it out.
Baby number 2: But a cheese and bacon bun at a bakery.
Baby number 3: “what was that honey….you want that chocolate doughnut? (shut-up spell check…I’m Australian) And a side of fries followed by a coke?…Sure…..just don’t tell Daddy ok?” Then let them eat it in the pram while you continue to walk around the shopping centre!
Your child says something rude very LOUDLY in a shopping centre…..
Child number 1: Correct them VERY publicly. You don’t want any passers-by thinking you are a bad mother! Make it clear that you are on top of this unacceptable behaviour!
Child number 2: Repeat what they really said with what you’d have preferred them to have said. ie “What was that honey, you’ve finished it?” (Sh*t)
Child number 3: Look around and say: “Does anyone know where this child’s mother is? “ And roll your eyes for effect. Then offer to take them to Centre management so an announcement can be made for the child’s parent to claim their lost child.
And do you know the worst part about all of this…..?
These are all absolutely 100% TRUE scenarios from my own parenting experiences..
Aren’t I just a fab-o mother! LOL!
Ella (child number 1) eating her healthy orange segments and wholewheat sandwiches. Notice the clean bib.
That's right Harley (child number 2) get that gluten laden chinese food into you coeliac belly!
What was that Lucas ? (child number 3) You want chocolate for breakfast?....Sure!
*And just to clear up any confusion :
Here in Australia, we call a crib a cot, a pushchair or buggy a pram or stroller, a pacifier a dummy and a diaper a nappy.)