Today I had to complete a task that I absolutely hated doing. I had to sit down and write out all the areas that we struggle with our Harley so I can take them to his appointment with his new psychologist on Wednesday. I had to fill in forms and provide all the applicable paperwork and this all took me quite a few hours.
Now I know that there are a lot of issues with Harley that need work, but until I took the time to actually sit down and write them all out, I had managed to convince myself that things weren’t really all that bad after all.
But they are. The list is loooooong.
I listed everything from his defiance, aggression and anger through to his OCD quirks and sleeping issues. And as I sat there and read the list back to myself I was confronted with a fact that I have been avoiding for quite a while: The fact that our entire family revolves around this child.
It seems that every argument that has ever occurred in this house has been somehow tied to him whether directly or indirectly. He is always angry and out-of-sorts, he is volatile, he is hard to please and he is extremely vocal when he’s unhappy. I find myself often avoiding disciplining him firmly enough because it’s just too hard having him scream at me and attack me physically.
Paul and I realised over the weekend that the reason we never go anywhere as a family is because it’s either too hard to deal with his tantrums in public or too hard to deal with the aftermath once we return home again. And I no longer think that this is solely related to his autism because we don’t have the same issues with Lucas at all. I’ve always referred to them in blogs as ”the boys’ instead of pointing out that most of the time, it is Harley who makes me want to tear my hair out. Because that seems unfair to do. But sadly, it’s the truth.
And its not like we haven’t tried to go out. If we do happen to mention to the kids that we’re going to the shops for a few items, Lucas simply says “Ok” but Harley starts screaming and eventually Lucas joins in. Lucas constantly copies his brother and the thought of having two of them this explosive frightens the heck outta me.
So that’s why we have to deal with Harley’s anger before that happens.
Most of the times that we do actually go out and then end up staying somewhere too long (in his opinion), the moaning, hitting and yelling starts. So more often than not we opt to just stay home because it’s the easiest option.
Which would be ok if it didn’t bother us to stay home. But it does, because very soon after a failed attempt at an excursion – the resentment sets in and I find myself becoming angry because I feel that I have no life whatsoever and I end up in a foul mood because I’m sick of being so house bound.
I know that choosing to become a parent involves hanging up your selfish hat and putting your kids before you, but this is ridiculous. There has to be a bit of give and take not just take,take,take,take all the time.
Paul and I both hate weekends. And Lucas and Ella have also vocalized that they don’t like them very much either. Ella often sits with her head in her hands when Harley is escalating and unfortunately Lucas regularly cops the brunt of a lot of Harley’s anger. He is constantly being punched, hit and kicked.
Which is why I’m pleased that we have this appointment approaching because it turns out that the OCD is only the tip of the ice-berg with Harley. And whilst it sure would be good to hand him over and have him returned to us completely fixed, we know that it’s not going to happen and there is a long haul ahead of us.
But herein lies my greatest concern. It is bothering me that in order to give the psychologist all the necessary information to help Harley, I will have to paint a pretty nasty picture of my little boy. Much like I have here but the difference is that all of you who are reading this know from previous posts that I would do anything for my precious little boy and I adore him, whereas I have to meet her under very different circumstances.
But I have to present worst case scenario right? My boy IS worth it , he is extremely valuable to this family and he deserves all the help that we can get him.
And that’s what I will continue to tell myself until I stop feeling like such a cad.