My Facebook Status this morning, I didn't understand why I'd been drawn to it until later. It says: Your shadow will always release whatever overshadows you. Bill Johnson.
He walked into the bedroom having already been up for hours and sat beside me as I lay still refusing to move-still in bed, covering my head with the bed sheets.
“Come on” he said gently leading me towards the computer ”I can tell you need to write this out”.
God bless my husband. He is a man of few words but he knew that his hugs weren’t going to be enough to cut it this morning. He knew that I needed to pray and to write until I felt right.
It was a really rough night for all of us last night. We had the annual school church service and for us – it wasn’t exactly fun. The service was great but Harley – Erm, not so much. I went prepared with the iPad, iPhone, Chewing gum, Chewy tubes, Headphones, Earphones and as much strength as I could muster but it wasn’t enough.
But I must say that Harley did a magnificent job of holding it in for the most part. I mean, I did have to take him outside twice to escape and he sat on the floor with tears streaming down his face while rocking and head banging my knee, but to the untrained eye….he didn’t seem too out of sorts. He just looked like he didn’t want to be there.
The car ride home was a completely different story though: It was a kicking, screaming, head-banging, sibling-punching, hair-pulling, scratching disaster.
“Church isn’t on a Saturday night Mum, it’s on a SUNDAY” he screamed at me while thumping his fist into the back of Ella’s seat.
My husband turned to me and asked: “It is wrong to just want a little bit of normal? Just once? Is it bad that I am feeling really ripped off right now? I just want to be a normal family. This completely sucks”
“Not at all” I replied. “I wish that a lot, and right now I freaking HATE autism”
We both froze when a little voice in the backseat piped up: “But Mummy, I can’t help having autism, you said that God made me this way and that I am special”
I was gutted. I swear my heart stopped beating and I wanted to jump out of the moving car. I deserved to be hurt. Had I just undone years of building him up and months of teaching him who he is in Christ? Had I permanently damaged his sense of self-worth and made him doubt his value and place in society?
What had I just done? Who says that in front of their child who is already in a really bad place? I felt like the antithesis of a good mother.
I turned around in my seat and looked at my hurt little boy and said: “Honey, I hate autism, but not you. I hate it because it makes you sad and it makes things hard for you and I hate seeing you hurting and not being able to help. But I don’t hate you. I love you to the moon and back, you know that don’t you?”
He gave me a tiny smile and nodded.
Right then I wanted someone to punch me. I deserved to feel the physical pain that my child was feeling emotionally. I absolutely hated myself for what I’d done. *I am supposed to be his safe place. The one he can run to when he’s frightened or confused. And furthermore, I knew I was kidding myself. I hated autism more because of the sheer inconvenience and discomfort that it caused our family than anything else. It was a selfish reason for hating it and I knew it.
But I, like my husband just wanted to experience normal for once in our life. Just one night of not having to struggle, not having to walk on egg shells and not having to feel so isolated and mis-understood.
Is that really so bad? I’m not even sure anymore.
~~
And as I sit here writing out my emotions and my inner turmoil, God is speaking to me ever so gently.
He has taken my attention back to the line I typed only five short minutes ago:
* I am supposed to be his safe place. The one he can run to when he’s frightened or confused…
But God in His infinite mercy reminded me that HE is in fact the safe place, HE is the shelter in which Harley can hide and find comfort and that *I* am only human.
It’s only natural to have bad days, bad weeks and bad months but this does not constitute a bad life!
Wow. Talk about perspective.
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Psalm 91:1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. |
Hi Fiona. Lifting you, your husband, and your children up unto the Lord. Remember that Satan always attacks when we’re at our weak point. I find that these two verses are a comfort to me. Perhaps they will be to you as well. Rom_8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. And, 1Jn 4:4 Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.
Thank you Wayne. You’re a blessing
Those 2 verses are perfect and a timely reminder for me! I tell those verses to my kdis all the time yet when it comes to self-talk – I seem to forget them!
Thank you
Oh my Fiona. I really can’t even express what I am feeling at this moment but I’m a mess with tears streaming down my face. I too wish for just a little bit of normal. But what the hell is normal!? I think I hate the word “normal” almost as much as I hate that our children are so profoundly affected (in hard ways) by autism. But then there’s the “I love you to the moon and back” moments. Sure is a glaring reality check that we are only human – fatally flawed, doing our best to love our kids and teach them what life and God are all about. And as Wane Augden shared, “There is… no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1) There are so many other reminders of how God is the one who enables us to make it through this life. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Another of my favorites is Isaiah 43:1-3, “But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine.
2 When you go through deep waters I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…”
I love how God says, ” WHEN you go through deep waters…. WHEN you go through rivers of difficulty… WHEN youwalk through the fire…He will be with us. That’s a promise. It implies that we’re gonna feel like we’ll drown, or be consumed by the flames.
Oh Lord Jesus thank you that when we come to the end of ourselves, it is only the very beginning of you. And your grace is sufficient.
Praying for all of us bloggy Aspie friends!
You know what’s interesting Nancy? The “when” you go through river/difficulty/fire not “if”…..Hmmm, Don’t know why I haven’t noticed that before! Quite a light bulb moment!!!
And on a side note: Isaiah 43:3 was the verse i was given repeatedly when I was undergoing my brain surgery……interesting hey!
God is awesome that way. It’s one of the theme verses for my life. =0) I repeat it out loud (along with several others) when I’m feeling icky. The truth of God’s word IS a sword that pierces the darkness. Hearing the truth spoken out loud some how slices through the confusion and brings light. Take care my friend!
At a conference yesterday and Friday night the speaker said “when you GO THROUGH the valley”. As long as we keep moving THROUGH the valley, that is key. We’re not supposed to pitch a tent in the valley so we can admire the view.
We won’t necessarily always move fast, but we just need to keep moving.
I LOVE that! Thank you so much for passing it on….it’s AWESOME!
Hello lovely,
xxxx
I just read lovely Heathers comment and my DAFLA alarm went off….hehehe
Too long for a comment, sorry. It ended up as a post!
http://differentbrainspace.blogspot.com/
Not sure if my comment worked, apologies for 2nd post if it did.
It got too long for a comment, and became a post on my blog:
http://differentbrainspace.blogspot.com/
For some reason it got spammed…oops! But don’t worry, I rescued it
I left you a comment……i LOVE your response! CAn I link to it?
I love you my precious friend,
I love how open, honest and real you are.
God made you extra special and I know that writing it out is one of your ways of moving forward.
Smiling at you my lovely Fi.
God is good!
Lees. xxxx {{{{HUG}}}} X
Smiling back
I do feel like I’ve moved forward (even if only a tiny baby step!) LOL
Oh Fi, go back and read my email!
Love you SOOOOO much. xxxx
You are wonderful my friend and remember, “It takes lots of little drip to fill the bucket!” hehe
Jesus shines through you my lovely….take that from me your Aspie friend, you totally get this.
I LOVE what you wrote to HEM…”I don’t believe that autism is a sickness that requires healing”
Thank you for being you and helping me to be me.
Mwah x
I think autism is both a blessing AND a disability and pain in the hiney. You know, it’s all well and good to say it’s a GREAT thing most of the time but the 10 percent when it isn’t? Is really stinky. It’s stinky for them and stinky for you.
I am glad this blog is a safe place because I know (and prolly you have been through this too) often we get friends who want to pray just for “healing” as they see “healing” and not want to get off their duffs and help, or work through and make workable solutions for the kids we have instead of the kids everyone wishes we had. *shrug* For what it is worth, I am glad that this blog is a safe place.
Oh I hear you!
I felt like punching someone last week who told me to not give up hope that God can heal them. I held my hands together though lol!
I don’t believe that autism is a sickness that requires healing. It’s not a disease…it’s a different brain wiring.
Unless you live with it….you don’t “get” that you can love and hate something like autism with so much intensity at the same time!
Hi Fi, it’s not bad to want some normal time, hell I crave it all the time and even though I love my boys, so far autism sucks and
i hate it and I hate the way it touches our lives and I wish it would just go away….I don’t have your faith and maybe that is why I can’t see the roses through the thorns! I struggle with him being different every second of everyday and having to fight with him about everything constantly, I don’t know about him having a gift, it’s too damn hard!
I am glad you got to write though to make yourself feel better.xxxx (sorry I am a grouch today xxxx
Oh sweetheart,
I will be praying for you this week. I am sending enormous cyber hugs your way xxx
You are not the only one to crave normal sometimes or to say things to your child that you wish you could take back. I have had too many of those moments over the years along with wanting to hide my head under the sheets. I love how you always write it out and turn it into a lesson about your relationship with God! I admire you so much my friend. Blessings & hugs!
Thank you Sue
I am constantly learning things because I keep stuffing up! LOL
Fi – posting this was a blessing to us all. Parenting is hard – parenting autism is really hard. You are a wonderful mother and one statement does not undo all the love and confidence you have built up. By the way – no such thing as normal. It’s something Normal Rockwell made up – complete fiction.
Thanks Angela, You’re always such an encouragement to me
I’m so glad to have found this post. My daughter, Marley, is 4 and was recently diagnosed. It is hard to be positive and censored 24/7. I agree with the others that we all need a safe place, and you certainly showed us that we’re not alone. I hope to come back often and be ‘not alone’ with you all.
absolutely! And can I just say that I popped over to your wonderful blog and your header :
“Marley, stop…”
when your preschooler’s alphabet soup is less ‘ABC’ & more ‘SPD’, ‘ASD’ & ‘OMG’… made me belly laugh…..LOVE that title, you are awesome
Welcome to Wonderfully Wired – us ASD Mamas are a bit eccentric at time but we don’t bite
Fi
This is a very well written post. I have often thought “why me”? Why us? And it is selfishly motivated. I’m more concerned about how I am inconvenienced and not always how difficult it can be for my son. Thanks for opening my eyes again. Sometimes we all need that reminder!