Surviving on Fizzy Pop.

image via graphicleftovers.com

I was thinking about the difference between ‘coping’ and ‘surviving’ last night as I sat and chatted with a close friend that came over to visit me. I used that phrase to refer to how I am feeling personally at the moment and I realised that lately I have been a lot more in survival mode rather than actually “coping”.

But this post is not going to be about me.

My friend Valerie was the first place that I’d heard use these terms and she used them to refer to the way that children with autism are in a classroom setting amongst other children, and how they can often ‘appear’ to be doing quite well even though that’s often not always the case.

I wrote on Wonderfully Wired’s Facebook page recently that I always know when it’s going to be a difficult afternoon whenever Harley’s teacher tells me that he has had a great day. In fact, when I hear this – I inwardly cringe because I just KNOW that he’s saving it all up for me. (oh joy). I know that this is quite common in a lot of aspergers children (but by no means ALL of them) and I always thought the reason was that they are intelligent enough to know what’s required of them at school but once they get home again, all bets are off and the pressure cooker valve is finally released.

Well – this is true but my friend (an adult aspie) Lisa explained it to me in a different way. One that had never occurred to me before.

She commented on that observation of mine with these wise words:

A little Aspie nugget here: a good day from a teacher’s perspective means you did your work and behaved yourself. From my memory of this it also meant that I was shutdown, in daydream mode and holding back all day. I’ve been told by an Aunt that I’m like a bottle of fizzy pop. We all know what happens if we shake fizzy pop then take the lid off.

WOW!

I’d never thought of it like that!

So what the teacher was interpreting as a ‘good’ day meant that he was behaving ‘like all the other kids’. But what this required for him was to completely shutdown his natural tendencies and conform to be something that he’s not. I can now understand why we always cop the brunt so badly when he gets home. It’s because he just spent the better part of the day being something that he’s not and pushing his real self down and squashing the elements of his personality and nature that make him who he really is.

For him to be able to present a front of ‘coping’ – he was actually just operating in ‘survival’ mode.

And survival mode is hard slog. It is exhausting, it is mentally draining and it is something that no-one can keep up for extended amounts of time.

I was thinking more about the difference between the two and came up with this:

Imagine that your car breaks down in the middle of the desert and you are hundreds of kilometres from the nearest town. You have a trailer on your car that was filled with a months supply of food and water for you and your friend and all the camping gear and necessities that you will need to last you for weeks. Inside your vehicle, it is equipped with a GPS system and a radio.  So you find out your exact location and use the radio to send out an SOS call.

You reach someone in a town 2 days drive away who tells you that they can’t get someone out to you for at least 3 days due to staff shortages.  This situation is a total inconvenience to you and has thrown a spanner into your holiday plans right at the very beginning of your trip but you instinctively KNOW that you’re going to be ok.

You set up camp, boil the billy for a cup of tea and put your feet up with your friend in front of the blazing campfire and wait.

This is an example of ‘coping’ with an unexpected situation. Annoying – yes – but not the end of the world.

Now……

Imagine that your car breaks down in the middle of the desert and you are hundreds of kilometres from the nearest town. You only have enough supplies on board to last you both until you reach the next town. You have a radio (just like in the earlier scenario) but it isn’t working properly and is unreliable.  You can’t read the map that you brought because it’s written in Spanish and you have absolutely no idea where you are so wouldn’t be able to tell anyone even if you could reach them.

You do a mental inventory on the food and water supplies and work out that if you both eat and drink sparingly that you may be able to make it at least 2 more days. But after that- if you’re not found, things will be touch and go.

You rig up a makeshift tent beside your vehicle by tearing up the skirt that you are wearing and you drain the water from the window wipers just in case. Next you take the car seat covers off and use them to make a flag that you tie to your car aerial with the words “help us please” scrawled in lipstick from your bag and cross your fingers and hope , all the while not letting on how frightened you are to your friend so as to not alarm them.

This situation illustrates ‘survival’ mode.  Frightening, unpredictable and, and seemingly inescapable.

***

Miraculously a convoy of tourists drive past only hours later and you are rescued.

***

Now……In which scenario do you think that you’d be more likely to burst into tears of relief and vent all of your pent-up frustrations and fears onto the rescuer?

Certainly not in the first one because in that one – you were fully equipped with what you needed to get through (much like NT children) and whilst you were pleased to be rescued earlier – you were never all that concerned in the first place. You knew that you were going to be fine because you’d already sent for help and had the necessary coping strategies in place.

But in the second scenario (like our precious ASD kids) it was terrifying. There didn’t look like there was any foreseeable way out. Everything looked hopeless, you felt completely useless and you had to keep your brave face on for the sake of your friend. You were running on pure fear and survival instincts and not much else.

***

Your bottle had been shaken vigorously, the effort that you had to put in JUST TO SURVIVE took every last bit of control from you, your anxiety levels were sky-high and something had to give.

BANG!!!!!!

It’s no wonder my little fizzy pop boy explodes!