Crazy loops

One of the BEST things that has happened to me since my boys diagnoses and since I have been blogging is : meeting adults on the spectrum. 

image via google images

They have given me such wonderful insight into my boys worlds and how differently they see things.

I have met some really awesome parents too and I get so many useful and helpful tips from other parents and they offer heartfelt compassion and more cyber hugs then I know what to do with!

Blogging has been such an amazing release for me, it’s helped me to get my head together and make more sense of what’s going on in there!
By putting my thoughts, fears and emotions down in writing, things seem to have less of a grip on me and I’m definitely a lot less frightened of the unknown now.

In the past few years, I have been caught in somewhat of a frantic thought process, trying desperately to make sense of autism and how it affects my boys differently and feeling at a total loss as to where to start and how to prioritise.

I’m trying really really hard to understand them both and why they do and say the things that they do but I lack the necessary inside knowledge to fully comprehend where to start and how to tackle some of their issues.

This is where these amazing adults on the spectrum have stepped up and helped me in an amazing way.

I have been helped both directly through regular emails from a few of my new close friends and also indirectly by reading many blogs written entirely by spectrummy adults.

Like with my latest corker from Harley!……

He often chats to himself and told me today that he doesn’t always know which voice in his head to listen to!

I admit that I freaked out a little bit at this and all the things I’d read about how in years gone by, before AS was discovered, that children were often  misdiagnosed with childhood schitzophrenia immediately came to mind!

So I jumped onto the computer and emailed my close friend (who is an adult aspie) and asked her if this was normal in the world of aspergers…..her answer…..”Well, I was just talking to you in my head at the time that I opened this email …does that answer your question?”

I also went onto Wrong Planet and searched through their archives to see what I could find and it was brilliant.

I found entries saying things like….

” When I am alone I constantly have “practice” conversations with imaginary people or someone I actually know”

And

“People often tell me that I look distracted when they are talking to me…..this is because I’m either thinking about my special interest subject or talking to myself and practicing a script in my head so I know what to say next. “

And instantly I felt like I understood my boy much better!

Another thing that my friend has told me about is the “thought loop” that constantly plays in her head. She has also said that there are often several loops circling at once.

I asked Harley and Ella about this and they both nodded with delight to have me finally able to “describe” what goes on daily in their heads.

Ella said that she can focus by either reading, drawing or playing her guitar (I think these are all right brained functions though I’m not really knowledgeable on this) and Harley said that these “loops” drive him NUTS!

My understanding of the brain fuctions and which side we use is that:

Left = analytical side and 
Right =Artistic.

So it makes sense that doing these right brained activites switches off the analytical crazy thought loops for a bit.

I’ve found all of this absolutely fascinating and I’m now on the search for information about brain functions and how they affect autism.

If you get presented with the opportunity to become friends with an adult on the spectrum…..embrace them with all your hearts. The marvelous ones that I am friends with are amazingly gifted warm, and so so super smart !

But PLEASE don’t seek one out just to pick their brains and then confuse them with your false friendship just for your own selfish gain….that is wrong on so many levels…

I love my aspie friends simply because they are wonderful friends and great people…..

Holiday snaps

Anyone who has been following this blog will know that my kids love swimming.

And I mean REALLY love swimming

I have been taking a few happy snaps of them with my cheap little point-and-shoot camera that Mr Patient bought for me because it was marketed as “un-breakable” and with my reputation for dropping things, tripping over and just being generally clumsy, this seeemed like the perfect camera for me!

It has another added bonus…..it is also 3m waterproof!

So I tried it out last week with the kids in the pool.

LOOK HOW MUCH FUN WER’E HAVING!

Waaaaaaahhooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! 

The Day After….

Well, I thought I’d start this post off with a quote from a great friend of mine who sent me a text yesterday (Christmas Day) morning saying…

” Gotta love it. Christmas plus autism equals tears, overload and broken presents. Tis the season 2 B jolly!”

I sighed with compassion for her and then laughed!!  

But not at her….but because I completely understand where she is coming from!

I sent her a text back saying that I will give her a HUGE hug when I see her on Monday and that’s she is definitely singing my song!

While we fortunately didn’t have any MAJOR meltdowns on Christmas day, there were (obviously) a few minor incidents.

There were the usual food issues at lunchtime when Harley refused to even try any of the fabulous salads that Grandma had lovingly made so he had a plate of just plain rice!

And Lucas fell asleep at the table from complete exhaustion and had to be carried up to bed where he slept for a few hours!

But here’s the thing……

I know I should be thankful that Christmas day remained relatively calm. 

And I also know that it’s a GOOD thing that I didn’t have to diffuse any major dramas, but my cynical part just knew that this was more than likely the calm before the proverbial storm….

And it was.

Today . Was . Absolute . Hell !!!

My sister and her family left to go back home this morning and pretty much as soon as we had waved them goodbye and watched their car disappear around the corner, Harley lost it.

He started to let out all of the anxiety, emotions and anger that he had been hiding and holding in for three days and let it rip in a big way….sigh….

There was a small part of me that lacked the necessary compassion to give Harley the grace that he deserved because I immediately started thinking….

“Great, once again, he did a fabulous job of appearing completely normal and relaxed to my sister and her family, and has now once again succeeded in making me appear to be a complete liar again.”

(yes…..I know that sounds selfish!) But I was mad.

This morning we decided that we would head off to Mc Donald’s to grab a coffee to start the day and let the kids have play in the playground.

Sounds great doesn’t it?

Well….yeah, IF you give your children sufficient warning, take them when they are NOT already tired, overloaded and so far out of routine it’s ridiculous!

Anyway, Harley wanted fries.

It was still only 9am, we’d already eaten breakfast and he couldn’t understand why he only got a drink when he usually gets fries as well  (this is virtually the ONLY gluten free option at McDonald’s).

So…..we had flapping, licking, screaming, crying, kicking, head-butting and a lot of whining.

And that was only the beginning!

Ugh!

It went on for at least half an hour.

I wanted to hide when I saw people staring at Harley’s mega fit and watched them cast their judgmental eyes over me as I tried to hug him tightly and calm him.

I was however, very aware that this complete meltdown of epic proportions was inevitably due to happen, because of all the changes in routine, the extra people staying in the house and the late nights and early mornings, but like I said, I knew it was coming but….Bleugh…..not nice or fun!

Then Ella spilt her hot chocolate in her lap (thankfully it wasn’t very hot) and was so highly embarrassed that her white shorts were soaking wet and brown, she burst into tears and put her head on her folded arms on the table sobbing into them and refused to look up for the rest of the time that we were there!

Mum told us that this is the start of teenage moodiness and melodramatics…..GREAT!!

Lucas let go this afternoon as well and wasn’t coping at all either.

He was cranky, teary, moody and touchy and he cried on and off all afternoon about everything and anything. He was just plain miserable.

The Christmas season has clearly really taken it’s toll on him too.

*****
I was chatting about all of this to Mum this afternoon after things had calmed down again and we were reminiscing of past years and how far Harley in particular has really come.

And you know what….she pointed out to me that none of this massive improvement in him and noticeable progress “just happened”….we had to put a helluva lot of work into him to get him this far!

All the social stories, the visual aids the routines, the forward planning, the social settings training.

The OT and speech appointments, the social therapy group and teaching him and helping him to do the sensory stimulating exercises in the hope that he will eventually learn to self-regulate.

We have also had to learn to recognise the early signs of overload or imminent meltdowns and step in and diffuse things before the situation explodes!

None of that should be taken lightly.

It was all bloody hard work!!!

I feel sad for the kids that they have had to conform so much this Christmas but also proud of them for who they are.

A few years ago…..Harley wouldn’t have been able to figure out why he wasn’t coping, and he still needs help to see the whole picture, but this afternoon he has clearly made progress when he said to me:…..

“Mum, I’m sorry that I got angry at Mc Donald’s, but I was hungry”

So I asked him if he was really hungry or if it was maybe something else that upset him.
(
He thought about it and said: ” Well, you always buy me fries AND lemonade, but today you just bought lemonade”

(which is true)..
And it was then that I realised just how important routine and rituals are to him.

Another lesson learned and as fas as I’m concerned…..another happy ending.

Happy Boxing Day all

While they were sleeping…..

I had one of those “AHA” moments this week.

I’ll set the scene by explaining that here at Mum’s -she still lives in the large family home that I spent my teenage years living in.

It has 4 bedrooms which means that Ella gets her own room, I get my own and the boys share another room.

Only it doesn’t really work out that way…..

You see, BOTH of the boys have sleeping “issues” that range from sleep walking , night terrors and difference of opinion on whether there should be a night-light or not!

So the best solution was to separate them.

We did this by putting Harley’s bed in my room with me and leaving Lucas in the other one.

Sounds good right?

Well, yeah…..if you like to lay awake listening to snuffles, sleep talking, sleep -groaning and the tossing and turning of a little boy who can never get comfortable!

This is one instance where I consider being completely deaf in one ear an advantage!

I can put my hearing ear onto the pillow and sleep in total silence!

But this is the start of my complete turnaround in perception.

This week, I was given the book Choosing to see which was written by Mary Beth Chapman who is the wife of a well-known American Christian artist: Steven Curtis Chapman.

It is a mother’s story of loss, pain and adversity following the untimely and tragic death of her youngest of 6 children Maria who was only 5 years old.

The accident occurred in their own driveway when her 17-year-old son didn’t see his sister run out to greet him and he ran her over and fatally wounded her so Mary Beth is dealing with a double whammy of emotional heartache.

The book was one that I couldn’t put down. It shook me and made me realise just how precious life really is.

Mary Beth wrote chapter after chapter describing her grief and the pleas she would make with God to give her just one more day or to be able to hear her daughter’s sweet voice once again.

She watched the balloons being released in Maria’s memory and wished that she too could float up to the heavens with them and escape the dreadful pain she was experiencing every day.

What really grabbed me was the countless times that she would describe Maria and use phrases such as “her sweaty, stinky body”, her “sticky maple syrupy kisses” and “mischievous smile” as she ran ,climbed and jumped from place to place.

She described the daughter who loved to swim in the pool completely naked except for her goggles and the child who loved to jump on the trampoline (also naked) and the child who was almost always dressed in a fairy costume or Tinkerbell outfit wherever they went.

I cried when I read this as I have lost count of the times that I have told my own children off for stripping down (in our own house) and snapped at them to “take that stupid costume off and go put some proper clothes on”

I would have a fit at them if they refused to wear the outfit that I chose out ( I know…..I should pick my battles right?)  and I’d go mental at them if their hands were anything close to sticky and as for the sweaty bodies……eeeww!  I would yell at them to go and hop in the bath THIS INSTANT!

All in case my precious furniture might get dirty!

And here is this gorgeous mother missing all the little things that defined her precious daughter.

What she would give for just one more day with Maria.

That night, I slept with my good ear up, not on the pillow as it usually is.

I wanted to hear EVERY murmur.

Every sniffle , and every soft moan.

I got up a few times and crept into Ella and Lucas’ rooms and just sat on the end of their beds thanking God for them and kissed their little foreheads.

I came back to my room and climbed into Harley’s bed with him and snuggled in …….until he woke up and looked at me groggily and announced “Get out!”

But I didn’t care. At least he was alive and talking to me.

I really am SO blessed. I mustn’t forget again.

Wanna hear something funny? Apparently, I'm Stylish! (yeah I giggled too!)

I was given this fabulous award TWICE!

I feel so very blessed!…Thankyou!

Once from Sue over at DS Walker Author and also from Lisa at Alien Hippy.

WOW!

I have to tell you all seven things about myself so here goes…….

1. My Maiden name was “Short” but I was one of the tallest girls at school. I am 170cm  ( about 5 ‘ 6 inches)

2. I am the shortest member of my family and I’m not the youngest!

3. I grew up  in a town that was so small that it didn’t even have any traffic lights ( It now has 1 set in the main street that was only installed a couple of months ago)

4. I once sat behind one of my favourite Artists: Brooke Fraser on a flight from Christchurch NZ to Sydney Aus (and I made a fool of myself gushing over her!)

5. I want to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day but I’m afraid of heights…..If Oprah can do it….SO CAN I!

6. I love dogs but HATE cats….sorry all

7. I have 9 piercings in total

The 3am phone call

This letter was one I wrote to a dear friend who has just recently had her child diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. I wanted her to know that I have her back and that she is not alone….

Dear Friend,

I went to bed tonight and I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t close my eyes.

They are filled with with tears and my heart is breaking for you and I have a thousand emotions that are frantically rushing around in my head all at once and I want to come and sit with you and cry a thousand tears.

I prayed for you, I cried for you and I wish I could hug you until it stopped hurting.

You know who you are, you have just had one of your children diagnosed on the spectrum and you are an amazing mother.

You are God’s special chosen daughter though you wonder why on earth He had to pick YOU of all people to raise this child.

You rang my Mum’s house looking for me tonight but sadly, I was out.

I was out with a friend.  A friend who is one of only a handful of people that have actually stuck by me since autism rocked our world.

I want to be that friend for you.

I promise to stick close.

Raising these kids is SO.DAMN.HARD!

I get it.

I want you to know that I understand if you can’t talk right now. I understand if you are so crushed by grief that you feel like you can hardly breathe at times.

I remember the early days – they really weren’t all that long ago for us.

I remember all the information DVDs, the books, the pamphlets, the Toll-free helplines, the seminars brochures and the millions of web pages dedicated to autism.

I also remember the crushing feeling of inadequacy and the day that I sat on my lounge room floor surrounded by all this information and felt so helplessly overwhelmed that I literally crawled into a little ball and cried and cried and cried.

I thought that there was no way that I would EVER know enough.

And that’s true.

No-one will ever know everything there is to know about autism.

But you are like me and you will learn EVERYTHING there is to know about your child.

And THAT’S what matters the most.

*****

You may have already noticed that some people who you thought were great friends, no longer call or visit or make any effort towards maintaining the friendship at all.

This is not about you.

Nor is it about your child.

This is about them….

This is about them not knowing what to say, how to act, or sadly sometimes because they don’t believe you.

Pray for these people, wish them well but don’t sweat it.

Better people will enter your life and these people will be the ones that you can call at 3am exhausted, sleep-deprived, spent and running on raw emotion.

These people actually care. They know that autism is NOT a result of bad or lazy parenting.

They get that you actually have to parent harder and more consistently than regular parents.

Please consider me one of the first of these friends…..

****

It’s ok to fall apart.

Heck…..I’ve been medicated for YEARS!

And it’s also ok to not cope.

I OFTEN don’t……just ask my Mum!!

I have spent a LOT of years gripped by depression and sadness. This is common amongst spectrum mothers.

It is NOT a sign of weakness, it is the body’s response to lack of sleep, too much stress and complete emotional, physical and mental exhaustion.

Not all people are honest about their state of minds.

I have had at least three breakdowns…….you are definitely not alone.

*****

It’s ok to avoid people.

I do it a lot.

I’m no longer the social sanguine butterfly that I was created to be.

It’s too hard and I just don’t want to anymore.

Period.

I no longer have the brain space to absorb mindless chit-chat or listen to other parents lament how hard they think their lives are.

I want to punch them and scream at them and tell them to wake up and be thankful for the NT child that they have..

And then I go into guilt because I wonder if I am dis-satisfied with the autistic child that I was given?

It’s a vicious circle!…

It’s draining having to explain your child to people everywhere you go.

It’s frustrating that they often stick out like a sore thumb in a crowd or worse still……..they hold it in when you’re out and save the meltdown for home therefore making you out to be a liar!!

I’ve learned that most people simply believe whatever they want to believe anyway.

There will always be people who judge what they don’t know or understand.

******

I understand the pressure on the family unit.

Oh my goodness I do!

The strain on the marriage, the exhaustion and having nothing left to give back at the end of the day.

I also understand how hard it is being stretched three ways as a mother and when you throw autism into the mix, it just moves up a notch (or twenty).

You can only do what you can do.

There are times when the other kids just.have.to.wait……

Someone once told me that fair means not every one getting the same thing but everyone getting what they need.

It’s harsh but true.

I am learning (albeit slowly) that I have to get over my guilt and try to move on.

*****

I won’t lie and say that it gets easier….but I will say that as your priorities shift and your goals and expectations change, so do your results.

You start to celebrate things that other parents take for granted such as a full understandable spoken sentence at 4 or a wee in the toilet at 4.5 years old or the first un-broken night’s sleep in 7 years!!

You will start to see how incredibly blessed you are to be entrusted with such awesome kids and your down days won’t be as frequent or debilitating.

Having said that….I still cry at least once a day from emotional overload, anger, frustration or sheer exhaustion but knowing that there really are a lot of other mothers out there that GET IT….helps me to get through it.

I think you’re awesome, I know you’re a fabulous Mum and I know that YOU know that God is in control…..

Please call me at 3 am, I will cry with you…..at the very least!

Love Fi xxxxx

The MOST fun I've had in AGES!

Tonight, my best friend *Hannah and her husband *Kieran came over for dinner at Mum’s.

They live here in Radiator Springs as well.

IT.WAS.AWESOME!

They are flying up North to see *Kieran’s brother for Christmas so we had an early Christmas Dinner here complete with the decoration, candles and fairy lights!

As you can see from this slideshow, there was a lot of sillyness happening and it got worse as the night wore on!

*Hannah  ‘gets’ me and knows I have always been a little different to the norm. I can totally be myself around these people….

After dinner, the boys went outside and kicked a soccer ball around with *Kieran.

What a wonderful night.

I can’t stop smiling!

* Oh…..and they were very naughty……they gave me a voucher to a day spa in town to get pampered…WOW!

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How to eat cake when you have sensory issues….

HOW TO EAT CAKE WITHOUT GETTING YOUR HANDS DIRTY

….. Harley style…

More early evidence caught on film.

I’ve written before many times of how I have been able to “see” autism in my children’s baby and toddler photos even though at the times that they were taken, I was completely blind to it.

Being up at Mum’s, I have access to all of her many photo albums and even though I have seen a lot of these pictures before…..I forget about them as I don’t have copies of my own.

This photo below really stuck out at me today when I came across it.

I’ve been wondering how on earth I could’ve missed the obvious neon sign flashing “THIS IS A SIGN OF AUTISM” at me because of what I know now……But all of us can agree that hindsight is a marvellous thing!

Harley would have been about 2 in this photo and he had a thing about lining up and counting things for years.

In this photo it is the musk lollies that have his attention but I can remember him lining up and grouping matchbox cars, Disney cars, beanie bears, bath toys, army men,  Lego, building blocks…..the list goes on.

I used to think it was SO CUTE!….“Aww what a clever little boy I have” was what I thought.

And he was.

And IS still today. He is just different.

*****

The next photo was taken on the day of my Dad’s funeral almost 3 years ago.

You can see the obvious strain on my Mum’s face which absolutely breaks my heart every time I see the picture-but what really surprised me is the pained look on Harley’s little face.

When Dad passed away, Harley seemed really nonchalant and unaffected by the turmoil and plethora of emotions that were constantly going on around and surrounding him.

We explained about the passing of his beloved Grandfather with age appropriate language but probably not autism appropriate language as we didn’t have a diagnosis for him back then and had no idea that he needed this.

I personally believe that autistic individuals are blessed with something that I can only really describe as a sixth sense.

Harley was only 4 1/2 years old when we lost Dad and we (wrongly) assumed that everything was going straight over his little head because he didn’t show any outward signs of grief, but this photo has shown me that he took in a heck of a lot more than we ever realised.

This picture shows me a little boy who desperately wants to comfort his grandmother but is at a loss as to how to do it.

Even though he has his trusty teddy at his side, his facial expression shows confusion, sadness, empathy and helplessness….

*sigh*

People came up to Mum and me after the funeral service and commented on how much of a blessing it was to see Dad’s 5 grandchildren playing, giggling, whispering and just being little kids during the service.

It was JUST how my Dad would have wanted it to be.

Other people told me how wonderful it was to see Harley tossing his teddy high into the air and catching him again , over and over again and how cute it was to see him walk around in little circles (seemingly) oblivious to the seriousness of the occasion.

But I believe that he was in fact very aware.

He knew exactly what was going on and he was dealing with his own anxiety and stress in the best way he knew how to.

I believe that he is gifted with a talent of bringing out smiles in people and by being himself who God created him to be – he is achieving this time and time again.

Don’t tell me that autistic individuals don’t feel empathy.

What a load of rot!

Water, relaxation and rest

Yesterday, I thought that I didn’t have anything to write about but it seems I was wrong!

Yep!  We have discovered Nirvana here in this sleepy little gorgeous town that I called home for so many years of my youth.

( For the purpose of maintaining my children and mum’s anonymity, I’m going to refer to this town over the next few weeks as “Radiator Springs” or RS…..this is how my husband affectionately refers to it )

******

You see…….One of my mum’s best friends here in RS has a beautiful in-ground pool that she has told us that we can go and use whenever we like even if she’s not home.

Woohoo!

We have been swimming all 4 days since we arrived and it is has proven to be one of the BEST things ever for my kids.

I wrote earlier last week about how cathartic swimming has been for them, but what has really surprised me is just how much I have also benefitted greatly from it!

The refreshing burst of energy that I experience the moment that I take the initial plunge into the ice cold water when all my senses come alive at once, the magical warmth that I feel when I’m laying back on an inflatable lounger floating as the kids splash and play happily around me.  And the gentle lapping of the water against my tired and aching muscles to complete the ultimate in relaxation on every level!

The kids spend literally hours kicking, dog-paddling and having pretend battles with the pool “noodles” and we bring them home suitably exhausted, so it’s a win-win for us as they are generally so tired that they fall into bed each night and drift off quite easily.

My whole intention for this holiday period was relax, relax, relax….and thankfully, there is a whole lot of that going on.

I’m also very aware of not allowing mum to overdo it either. Theres no point in  wearing her out too! She has been here usual wonderful self and continues to amaze me with her kindness.

She’s so generous with her love, her time, her patience and her eagerness to help that she often puts herself last, and the kids and I become the first priority for her. I need to keep a close eye on her so that she doesn’t allow herself to get too exhausted and forget about her!

*****

I ran into an old “acquaintance” in town not long after I arrived.
We were never really “friends” but do know each other quite well. (Or used to at least).

Pfft….this person made me cringe and squirm in my seat when upon learning that my boys have autism started to say things like : “Oh, I love autistic kids, they’re so cute” and when Mum started to explain that I am home for a 5 week much-needed break and didn’t have the energy or time ( for the get-together he wanted to organize with another group of people I am vaguely aquainted with),  he launched into a monologue about how it’s exhausting at this time of year and how he “understands how I feel because his child keeps chucking tantrums because he doesn’t get her own way too.”

Oh please.

I giggled to myself thinking “You my dear have no bloody idea!”

That is my only gripe about being back here in RS….I love all my old school friends and church friends and desperately want to catch up with them but I simply have no time for shallow surface meetings with people I hardly know.

I don’t even have the time to do the things I WANT to do let alone the socially polite things that keep presenting themselves to me in hoards.

I wish I could be blunt like Harley is and just say “No, I don’t want to go”, but my NT brain filters down all the socially acceptable niceties to my mouth and I find myself saying things like ” Sounds great, keep me posted” and “lovely to see you again, we should definitely meet up”.

BLEUUGHHH!!!!

I don’t know if my cynical and seemingly heartless attitude is due to extreme tiredness, exhaustion, my 24/7 autism filter that I simply HAVE to pay attention to in order to protect myself and my kids, or whether I’m just getting old and crotchety.

Or maybe it’s a bit of both….I’m not very Christmassy am I?

Maybe you should all start referring to me as “Scrooge Mc-Fi”??

I got nuthin' to write…..

…..so, here’s my new favourite picture instead

A picture of security…

We collected my mum from the airport tonight.

(She flew in for an overnight visit so that she can help me drive the kids up to her place tomorrow for their holidays.)

Her and Harley in particular have always had a “special” connection and it was apparent in the car on the way home.

He wanted to sit next to Grandma in the car (as he always does) and asked her to hold his hand.

I snapped this beautiful picture of the moment of pure innocent peace.

He was in a state of total tranquility and security…..in his “happy place” if you will.

It brought a tear to my eyes

Going swimmingly

Today was the first day of the school holidays (woohoo) and I know from previous experience that the kids really need to wind down from school for a few days before they can settle into the new routine.

So I decided to take them to the pool to get some energy burned and also so that I could chill out a bit.

We had an absolutely fantastic time (though I took a huge risk being that neither of the boys can swim so it was tricky at times watching all 3 of them!)

Lucas made me laugh when he discovered that splashing his big sister repeatedly in the face caused big girly tantrums!

Harley was timid at first but after a few hours, he started to jump into the water off the edge of the pool into my arms and Lucas learned to float on his back (with me holding him) so that was awesome!

There was so much sensory input there today, the boys absolutely lapped it up!

In the shallow end, they have jets of water that spurt up randomly and Lucas and Harley spent what seemed like HOURS playing cat and mouse with them.

We went outside at about 11am and had a picnic morning tea on the grass in the sun and Ella told me that she was having so much fun and that I am the BEST mum! 

I told her that I will remember that phrase next time I ask her to clean her room! Hehehe.

The boys spent another half an hour holding onto the side of the pool kicking their legs and blowing bubbles in the water.

I got the results that I was looking for…..they came home EXHAUSTED!!

And I was able to use the time that they rested to pack and clean.

*****

I have decided to go to Mum’s this Sunday (instead of Christmas Eve as originally planned) and stay there for 5 of the 7 weeks that the kids are on holidays for.

And I’M SO EXCITED!!!!!!

She is so sweet, she is flying down here tomorrow night (Saturday) so she can help me drive to her place as it’s such a long drive to do on your own.

Mr Patient will fly up for Christmas then back again a few days later.

Those of you that might be thinking that this is pretty full-on, I will just say 2 things: My mum is one of a handful of people that “get” my kids and understand how autism affects them and secondly…..I need a break…..seriously.

*****
I’ve had another couple of ‘those’ scary episodes this week.

The ones where I go completely blank and forget where I am and why I’m where I am and how I got there.

I have been “out of it”  and more vague than usual. This is a clear indication to me that I have allowed too much stress to creep in again.

UGH!

So, as of Sunday, I may be only popping in occasionally to bloggy land and writing and reading all of your wonderful words as I will have only very limited access to a computer.

Have an awesome weekend all.

1-2-3 Meltdown!

We had a massive meltdown in our house this afternoon.

*BANG*

There was screaming, crying, foot stamping, loud sobbing and emotional ranting.

And it didn’t come from any of my children!

No, it was me.

That’s right,

I c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y  lost it!

I have got far too much on my plate right now and way too much happening at once.

***

I made an 11-year-old girl cry at school this afternoon. I was devastated.

She is having her birthday party on Saturday morning and has invited Ella…and I double booked.

Ugh.

We are having an early Christmas lunch with Mr Patient’s Mum at the exact same time because she is flying interstate the following day and it’s not something that I can (or want to) cancel.

The poor beautiful darling burst into tears when I told her that Ella could come over in the morning for a few hours but that she would have to miss the party….

DOUBLE UGH!

I felt dreadful…

My friend had tears in her eyes as well as she watched her daughter break her heart.

I felt like SUCH a cad

***

In other news, I went into Harley’s classroom to help with Christmas craft today…..it was fun but- oh my…..Harley doesn’t cope well with me in there!

He played up a lot and he and Lucas were quite mischievous together.

I watched him display all the signs of over-stimulation and his proprioceptive dysfunction was as plain as daylight to me but that’s only because I know what to look for.

He couldn’t sit still, he was flipping all over the class room and was unable to follow simple directions-all signs of a child at the end of his emotional rope.

But Kudos to him for his acting skills! He managed to fool everyone else!

*SIGH*

***

Tomorrow Harley has his class Christmas concert and class party.

I’m still undecided whether or not to send him.  He is more than exhausted and has those tell-tale dark circles underneath his eyes.

He has been stumbling around the house this afternoon in a stupor moaning and weeping softly, the poor soul is so tired from keeping it all together for so long and it’s taken it’s toll on him.

Lucas is a wreck too. He is lying on the floor at the moment staring vacantly at the ceiling and flapping his hands rhythmically in a desperate attempt to self-regulate.

It makes me sad, angry and annoyed that the boys don’t display this behaviour at school.

I totally ‘get’ that they are high-functioning and know when to “keep it together” but this is just flippin’ ridiculous!

I wish the teachers could see this.

Hmmmm…..maybe I’ll video them!

I’m also keeping Ella home tomorrow for a reason that I am not going to elaborate on any further but lets just say that my feelings for the school are part of this and I’m thinking that I might take Harley out after his concert.

***

Two more days.

Deep breaths,

Exhale…….

4 more days…..

Don’t you just LOVE meltdowns?

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I mean REALLY love them?

The kicking, the screaming, the flapping, the pacing, the jumping up and down on the spot, the moaning.

Hmmm, what fun!

Harley had a meltdown of epic proportions this morning. *sigh*

***

But…….’tis OKAY!

4 more school days for us….. Only 4…

I’ve been “speaking to my soul” which is a phrase that a friend’s father coined meaning that you self talk and tell yourself how it’s going to be !

I believe that I need to “call things that are not as though they are”…
I’ve been revving myself up with  phrases such as “You can do it girl!” and “C’mon, up and at ‘em!”.

I’m still dragging my feet most mornings and begging for the coffee to kick in and almost chanting to myself…..6 more days, 5 more days, 4 more days.

**

I’ve mentioned before that I like to people watch.

Actually, it’s more than that.

I am fascinated my human nature. (no, not the dodgy boy band!) but observing how people act and behave.

I was looking at all the kids in the playground at school this morning, and I noticed that they still all have the usual bouncy and excited movements, but if you look closer,  a lot of them have lost their spark, their drive and their eyes convey complete exhaustion!

Well, lets face it……they have been at school since January.

They’ve absolutely had it!

The teachers are looking spent, the parents are asleep on their feet and no-one has any get-up-and-go left at all.

It amuses me that every year – we as a nation, approach December and our tired , weary bodies suddenly switch from end of year exhaustion to frantic Christmas rush almost overnight!

No wonder people hate shopping!

I wandered around window shopping today and watched two ladies (presumedly related) arguing over a toy, overheard two young shop assistants complaining about demanding customers and witnessed an elderly lady abuse the cashier at K-mart because the line was too long!

Far out people!

Where’s the joy….the peace…..the goodwill?

4 more days.

Then we can retreat back into our little bubble and shelter under the wings of The Almighty!

4 more days.

Christmas in Australia….

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I’ve been reading a lot of my favourite blogs lately, and a lot of them are by my friends in the northern hemisphere.

A lot of you are writing about your winters and the snow that you are experiencing at the moment.

It’s all so strange to me because in the part of Australia that I live in, it never ever gets cold enough to snow even in the absolute heart of winter.

And it is only officially winter as of today and already so many of you are posting pictures of the beautiful white film that’s covering your roads, your cars and your houses…..

I have only ever seen snow three times in my life and have had to travel over 4 hours on two of those occasions!

It’s a big event here!

Our climate is such that there are some days here where I can still wear a t-shirt in the middle of winter and be comfortable. I only own one jacket and most times when I wear it, I end up too hot in it!

Mind you…our summers are dreadful. I can’t stand the heat…but the majority of the entire Australian population live on or near the coast line in some form.

Some days here in the middle of summer are so stinkin’ hot that you feel like you can’t breathe!

And everyone knows that skin cancers are rife in Oz…Hmmm…

**

I was absolutely amazed when I opened an email from a friend in England this morning telling me about the kids in the playground of the school where she works who were building a snowman!!

It’s raining here today and everyone goes into a mad frenzy trying to get the kids into school without getting wet and it amused me that we panic at the slightest hint of wet weather while our counterparts across the pond are revelling in the snow that they are so used to.

And I smile when I read the blogs about preparing for Christmas and what that involves.

The open fires, the snowmen, the turkeys…

I know that there are some families in Australia that still do the traditional Christmas turkey and all the trimmings as did their British ancestors-but most people I know are like my family and couldn’t bear the thought of eating (let alone COOKING) a hot meal in this heat!

We generally have cold salads, cold meat such as BBQ chicken, A leg of ham and of course…seafood!

Our Christmas spread a few years ago

Christmas in Australia isn’t complete without the prawns!

My absolute favourite Christmas food is potato salad, but I also love beetroot, cold chicken and BBQ’d asparagus…Mmmmm, I’m already salivating!

Dessert is rarely hot either, we normally have either Pavlova dressed with fruit or Trifle ..I was very proud of this one that I made a few years ago!

My Masterpiece!

One of my favourite Christmassy things to do is take the kids for a drive at night to look at the Christmas lights that people adorn their houses with.

But since it’s daylight savings here where I live…the kids usually have to wait until almost 9pm until it’s dark enough to see them!

My Boys with a reindeer

There is a real community spirit in December (provided you stay away from the major shopping centres!) and I’m already tingling with excitement!

Here are a few family Christmas photos from Christmases past….

Our “Hand tree” made with tracing around the children’s hand prints and cutting them out.

Snowflake craft

Ella

Harley

Lucas

Daddy loved the frame for his desk at work

Three stockings hung with care

But however you spend your Christmas this year…I hope it’s magical, delightful and absolutely wonderful.

I’m going to end with a clip of the Australian version of Jingle Bells sung by Colin Buchanan who is a well-known Aussie children’s entertainer . After all…..why  would we sing about sleighs and snow??

Enjoy…!