Explanation??

OK  

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I’m confused.

I mean REALLY confused.

Last night, I threw out all the visual cards in absolute disgust.

I figured that they were absolutely useless in this house. And you know what?

We had an absolutely AWESOME day!

It was SO different to “normal” routine too.

 The kids and I drove for an hour and a half North to meet my mum and my sister’s two daughters at a shopping centre that is halfway between here and her place.

My sister is working and Mum is staying at her house to mind the girls during the holidays.

I had a (wait for it…) SILENT car trip up there?

HUH? I could hardly believe that these were MY kids!

And the four hours that we were there in that noisy, crowded and busy shopping centre were an absolute pleasure!

Strange…..

At lunchtime, we sat in the food-court and halfway through our meal, a dance troupe started performing a half hour of dance routines with LOUD music RIGHT NEXT TO OUR TABLE!!

There were even tap dancer with their loud tappety tappety tap shoes banging on the stage.

And you know what?

Harley and Lucas turned their chairs around and watched it ALL.

NO visual cards to prepare them for this spontaneous event, NO forewarning about the entire day  and it was so damn noisy that I kept nervously looking at both mum and the boys ready for a meltdown to occur.

It never did!

After lunch the kids played in the play centre there and when it was time to leave, everybody hugged and kissed and the kids hopped back into the car for another PEACEFUL drive home!

We got stuck in road works and it took us almost 2 hours but still. PEACE!

I just don’t get it?

What really surprised me was that everyone that commented on yesterday’s post Visual Pfft all said that visuals don’t work for themand their children either.

And a couple of you actually said that the days that you DON’T plan are the ones that go the best of all??

I’ve had it drummed into me continually and read it in a lot of aspergers info that children with ASDs need visual aids to reduce anxiety and help them to feel more in control.

So why then do most parent’s find the opposite?

Is this just a big farce developed to create MORE stress in us parents who already walk a fine line?

Or is someone going to write to me and suggest that maybe I haven’t implemented these visual cards properly?

If you are – then kindly send that thought to ALL the people that commented and tell them that they are wrong too. Thx

In case you’re wondering, the visuals I made for our upcoming beach holiday on Friday have been filed away under “USELESS” for now.

I might take them, I might not.

I’ve quickly realised today that -just when you think you have aspergers figured out , it comes up and bites you on the butt and you realise that you know NOTHING!!!

And whilst I am SO thankful for a smooth and event free ENJOYABLE day and don’t really want to be a negative Nelly -  I am feeling a little uneasy.

When you’re parenting a child(ren) with and ASD, you never ever know what’s coming next….

Visual Pfft…..

 

I have been patting myself on the back for my forward thinking in making visual charts on the fridge for the boys so they know what’s going on every day of the holidays.

However…….with my little Harley being as literal as his is, there were problems. (Of course – what did I expect)?

The card for “breakfast” looked like this:

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Because it is the gluten-free cereal that he has been eating every day for the past 6 months.

EVERY DAY!

So I was NOT prepared for the tears and “disaster” reaction when he saw it.

It took me TEN MINUTES to figure out that the problem was that he wanted toast but thought that he wasn’t allowed because the picture quite plainly show Cocoa Bombs.

I gave him toast. Problem averted.

Briefly.

I have printed up this for future charts :

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Another card showed this:

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Which I think is a good illustration for “shopping”.

So I pile the kids in the car and off to the shops we go.

Because Harley had already got my frustration levels raised, I decided that I needed a coffee before I even attempted to shop.

So I explained to him that I would grab a take away coffee.

He asked me what he could have to eat and I replied with a non-committal “I’ll see what they have that’s gluten-free”.

No, that wasn’t enough information.

Of course not. I should know the drill by now.

I knew that the coffee shop sold G/F Rocky Road and even though it wasn’t something I would normally choose to feed

my children at 10 o’clock in the morning, I told him that he could have some rocky road.

He said he didn’t know what that was. (I doubted that) so I explained that it was chocolate with marshmallows in it.

“Oh, now I know, yum Mum”.

Great, that was settled, I would get my coffee after all.

We arrive at the coffee shop and I pick up a “HUGE” Rocky Road bar with the intention of sharing it up amongst the kids.

Harley throws another fit.

This time he is rolling around the floor at the feet of other customers also in line screaming like someone had put a bullet through his chest.

The lovely customers and shop staff stared at me.

Because that’s exactly what I needed,

Judgement.

I picked him up and walked over to a quiet corner of the centre to try to get to the bottom of whatever was going on in his little head.

It turned out that he had mistaken my description of “chocolate and marshmallow”

for the fondue shop that Mr. Patient took him to last weekend. (In a completely different centre).

AHHHHHHHH!

I calmed him eventually, (half and hour had passed by now) and sheepishly we go back to the coffee shop

and I order my coffee and pick the Rocky Road up again to pay for it and fit number 2 starts.

He wanted one all to himself. He didn’t want to share.

So I gave in and bought 3 of the damn things at $4 each. What a rip-off.

So my cup of coffee ended up costing me $16. Grrrrrrr.

I cut my losses and enjoyed my coffee on the go.

……..

Back at home, the card on the fridge next to the shopping trolley (cart) was:

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This is the supermarket that I shop at.

So of course Harley thought that it was the ONLY shop we were going to.

(Stupid STUPID girl Fiona!!!)

The fact that I wanted to go to 3 other stores as well went down like a lead balloon but I figured that the morning was already a complete write off, and half the shopping centre had already made their minds up about what type of parent I was anyway,

So I did it..

I dragged a kicking and screaming child along and finished my shopping.

And what fun we had.

(I’m sorry for all the sarcasm, it is pretty heavy today I’m afraid).

I should have gone with something like this:

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OR

 

 

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This instead:

Long story short,

3 more “episodes” later, one bruised and battered Mummy ego

and three emotionally spent Madhouse Members and I headed home to unpack the groceries.

….

Harley (magically happier again) goes straight to the fridge chart to see what’s next.

(Because HE’S fine now. Never mind that Mum is a gibbering wreck.)

The next activity is to go to the park for a play and a scooter ride.

Perfect.

Let’s get some energy out of them, burn up some time and give them a release.

So we pile the scooters in the back of the car, and head off towards the park.

This is the photo I used on the fridge……

Se if you can pick the problem…..

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We pull up at the park and start to get out of the car when Harley starts up AGAIN!

Ella rolls her eyes and says “what now” and I stifle a giggle!

The photo on the fridge was taken at a different park.

The scooter he is riding on in this picture is his OLD scooter.

I  *  GIVE  *  UP!!!!

I should have gone with something like this instead :

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I open all the windows in the car, tell Harley that he’s welcome to join is when he settles down and get the scooters out of the boot.

I walk with Ella and Lucas over to the playground blocking out Harley’s annoying, whiney, angry screams.

I yell back at him to stop being such a pain in the ____ and keep walking.

Magically after only a few minutes, he appears calmer and more together after a few minutes and peace is restored for another day.

Now……here is what “ I “got out of today.

Don’t bother with visual charts unless you use non-specific events and cartoon pictures NOT photos of the child themselves.

Don’t ever leave the house with an aspergers child and expect to have a “normal” day.

EVER.

Don’t think that just because you have crossed EVERY t and dotted EVERY i

that you have covered ALL your bases and lastly……

LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MELTDOWNS AND TEMPER TANTRUMS FROM A CHILD WHO ALWAYS WANTS THEIR OWN WAY!

Because I’m stuffed if I can tell the difference.

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All * images from google…

 

A very noble profession..

Recently, Mr Patient introduced me to the wife of one of his mates. She was beautiful, stylish, well spoken and lovely.

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She has a big impressive job in the corporate world with the word “Executive” somewhere in her title.

She is only a couple of years younger than me and as yet- her and her husband have no children.

On our first meeting, she asked me what “I” do.

I thought about giving my standard sarcastic answer: “Oh, not much really, if there’s nothing on Dr Phil or Oprah that interests me, I go out for coffee with friends or I shop til I drop and spend all hubby’s well-earned money” (then follow with a bellow of laughter).

Because….let’s face it….We’ve ALL come up against that attitude once or twice I’m sure- and in my experience, they believe what they want to believe anyway!

But this time I surprised myself.

I used the line I had been rehearsing in my mind for a long long time!

I looked her in the eye and said ” I’m in research. I’m working in the child development field and am currently specialising in child behaviours and in particular the effects of today’s environment on autistic children”.

She was suitably impressed.

I then added that I am a writer as well and that I have written literature explaining practical strategies and their success and failure rates.

Her eyes lit up with respect.

HER: “So, Fiona, how do you manage to combine working and raising your, how many did you say- 1 or 2 children?”

ME: ” I have  3 actually . A girl and 2 boys, they are 10, 7 and…….”

HER: (cutting me off) “Oh, well you must be supermum!” (nervous giggle). “I don’t know HOW you do it!”

ME: “Well…..(tempted to keep playing along but then overcome with the desire to make her understand that being a stay-at-home mother is NOT a lower grade of humanity)……would it change your mind about me to learn that I am really a SAHM who blogs regularly (the writer bit) and constantly researches new ways to help my 2 boys who are on the autistic spectrum,  and that none of this is PAID work?”

HER: “Oh, (look of disdain that she tries to hide), that’s nice, (starts talking slowly to me like I’m a simpleton) I hope you get the satisfaction you need from looking after your children, I need the stimulation of adult conversation (like I don’t???) You have fun now, I’ve just remembered that I need to return a call to my office”.

Mr Patient: (who was listening with amusement to the whole conversation, putting his arm around my shoulder) “Proud of you son!”  (said in a deep voice with a light punch on the shoulder, quoting ” some silly movie he has remembered ” because this is the only way he knows how to compliment – through echolalia!)

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N.B……I just want to add that this is not meant to be a stab at working mother’s – I was one myself once and I absolutely take my hat off to you wonderful ladies……I simply can’t imagine how hard it would be having to make time for everything that needs to be done for your families and have to somehow fit it all in to the very few hours at the end of each day… I’m hard up just being a SAHM. You working mother’s are amazing!

Also, I wanted to make it clear that I don’t for a second think that all women without children are this condescending or rude.I know that this woman does not speak for the masses.

The whole point of writing this was to show other mother’s in my position that staying home is not a complete cop-out either.

I’m not buying into the whole career woman versus SAHM debate either. I think that they are both worthwhile choices.

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Counting down the days……

This is going to be a very full week!

On Friday we are going here:

Jealous?

I think that it is one of the most beautiful beaches on the Australian East Coast.

The kids are SO excited.

Here’s another:  

But as al you ASD mum’s will know, it’s not just a matter of jumping in the car and driving….OH NO!

I spent the better half of today googling images of everything that I could think of to make up a “What’s happening each day” chart.

It is complete with images of the unit we are staying in, where we are stopping for lunch on the way, the length of the trip (shown on clock faces), what the pool at our unit looks like, the shopping centre we will have to go to buy food etc etc etc,

I also whiled away another couple of hours also on google images getting pictures of everything from tractors to a red car, to cows, to trains , to a blue car to a service station to make each child a “bingo” card that they can stick stars on as they spot them. Hopefully, that combined with the Nintendo DSs and the DVD player will make the 5 hour drive bearable!

I was chatting to Mr Patient and we were reminiscing about the first trip we took together not long after we were married.

We took a small overnight bag each, a shared swimming bag and the clothes on our backs and even he was also pretty spontaneous back then, we just up and went!

Now: we need to spend a week preparing the children, a day making up visual charts and reminders so that they will cope and I will spend hours the morning we leave making sure that every.last.possible.hurdle is predicted and a solution is put in place.

THEN

NOW!

I  admit that I seriously wondered whether we should just save all the hassle and stay home…..?

Here’s the kicker though…..

Ready……

We are only going for THREE DAYS!!!

Hmmm!

Seven things…..

Hi All,

My friend Laura from Life in the house that Aperger Built gave me this amazing award .

I now have to tell 7 facts about myself then pass it on to 7 more bloggers,

So here goes:

1) Mr Patient asked me to marry him on our 3rd date . It was love at first sight. (Awwwww!)

2) I only have 1 sibling, my sister “Gillybean (nickname) who is 14 months younger than me. Her and I are still very close.

3) I am a country girl at heart. I grew up in a small town of only about 2,000 people.

4) My 10 year old daughter and I can wear each other’s shoes!

5) I can only chew food on the left side of my mouth since having brain surgery. I have no muscle tone on the right side of my face so don’t know when to swallow! (It’s ok to laugh – we think it’s funny too!) I also only cry out of one eye as I only have one tear duct (another result of the surgery :’) )

6) I am determined to one day experience a “White Christmas” somewhere overseas because Christmas in Australia is always hot and clammy…..anyone got a spare bed? LOL

7) I got my navel pierced because Mr Patient dared me to!

And now, here are the 7 blogs I nominate (in alphabetical order ).

Alien Hippys blog

Aspie Roads blog

Autism Home Rescue

Finding Borneo

I should have called him Calvin

More Like Average Mom

Our crazy life

Treasures in the Dust

Pop over and have a read of them all.

I love each and every one of them for different reasons….And of course if I was allowed more than 7 and Laura hadn’t already nominated her 7, I’d have ALL of my blog roll nominated!

Fi

Diving into murky waters….

OK……so maybe I really DO have a post in me after all!

Surprised? No, me either….. But just a warning…

This post may be hard for an adult with aspergers to read. It outlines my frustrations towards my child prior to diagnosis and I would hate any of you to feel that you were a burden to your own parents. That is not what I’m highlighting here. So if you decide to read on, please read this in the context that it is intended.

This post is mainly to show how far both Harley and MYSELF have come in just 2 short years.

Only read on if you can handle some very intense revelations….

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It was the last day of term 3 for the kids today. WOOHOO!!!  But it’s still amazing to me that I even feel this excited.

Get ready……..I’m going to totally rat myself out here.

OoooooH! I hear you say!

I’m going to reveal another side of me that most of my blogging friends have never seen. And it ain’t pretty!

*Way back before Harley’s diagnosis ( * it’s a place I rarely allow myself to visit), when he was still in pre-school, I used to absolutely DREAD the school holidays. I used to arrive at school at the very last possible minute trying desperately to make the very most of my own time.

I’m going to reveal another secret here. Shhhhhh!

We actually had a name for it…..

Yep, we had things in our household that were known as HFDs.

That stood for “Harley free days“. And I craved them. They were like a drug. These were the days that I used to replenish my patience, understanding, compassion and love levels so that I could give him what he needed because he completely sucked me dry on the days that he was here….

Uh-huh. I told you it wasn’t nice.

It gets worse……

We love acronyms here.

We also had PPSH (poo-poo-schmuck head ) – unfortunately Harley was regularly referred to as this….

EWK nights, (eat without the kids – aka date night)

NAHDDs (pronounced Nards – meaning : needed a heavy drink days)

P-MITED (pronounced pee-mighted : meaning poke myself in the eye day) – in a sentence : “I had a pee-mighty day today ”

Y THIT (pronounced why-thit: meaning : You take him, I’m tired).

And it extended into food as well.

We often cooked “TM with MI” This stood for “Tuna macaroni with magic ingredients”

The “magic” ingredients were peeled and grated yellow squash and zucchini (courgette) that we disguised in the white sauce and the kids never worked out that they were eating vegetables!

BRILLIANT!

And the best thing is that to this day, none of them have figured out what it stands for so we can still cook it!!

Mr Patient and I learned to talk in this code because as worn out, frustrated and annoyed as I got with the kids – I didn’t want to come out and say it outright in front of them. I strongly believe that words have power.

Sometimes, I would only have to look at Mr Patient as he walked in the door and say “Y-Thit” and he would know what to do.

But……then after Harley got diagnosed with aspergers syndrome, I had to take a big step backwards and take a long hard look at myself and rethink, redesign, and rework my whole attitude to parenting, discipline and communication.

And I thanked God everyday for this revelation that it wasn’t our parenting that had gone awry but that it was something much bigger than us that we were dealing with.

After diagnosis, my levels of compassion rose to levels that I could never have imagined possessing before this. My patience level also climbed as did my understanding.

Unfortunately, so did my guilt, and anger. But I was angry at myself.

I felt absolutely rotten for all the times that I had screamed at Harley through tears of complete bewilderment and hopelessness.

I couldn’t stop playing the same movies in my head……the ones about spending hours putting him in time out for refusing to eat his meal because I didn’t know about food/taste/texture sensitivities.

The ones where I was screaming at him like a fish monger’s wife for not coming when I called him – I was still unaware that a child could shut down when they became overloaded in their senses.

I felt like I had left the video of me talking constantly AT HIM in a frustrated, angry and unforgiving tone on repeat and it tortured me over and over day and night.

I did have a sense as a mother that I was dealing with something bigger than just a naughty child. I KNEW that I was doing absolutely everything that I could think of or read about to try and make ground with him.

And for a while there, – I assumed that this was just a “boy thing” that I could punish out of him because Ella had been a dream baby and toddler.

So getting his diagnosis and then starting to find our place on the huge learning curve that is the autistic spectrum – I started to view him in a new light.

I’m ashamed to say that I felt like I had fallen in love with him all over again. I was seeing this child through new and completely different eyes.

My vision was no longer clouded.

I no longer craved days without him.

I didn’t require as many breaks from him anymore.

Because as I started applying techniques that I was gradually being taught by professionals to help him to function in this crazy NT dominated world, he started changing too.

He has progressed SO much that now I look forward to the holidays for many reasons.

Firstly, because I LOVE having my children around.

Secondly because I KNOW that he needs these holidays to re-group and give his brain a rest from the constant stress of daily school life.

And thirdly because I don’t want to miss a SINGLE moment of my children’s growing years.

Because before I know it……..they will be all grown up .

Circuit breaker day in pictures

I don’t really have a post to write today.

Instead, I’m going to share some pics of the boys taken on Wednesday when Harley came shopping with me on a circuit breaker (or mental health) day from school.

Before we bought the groceries……we went and had coffee/ babychinos and the BEST gluten and dairy free jaffa slice in the whole region!

So, here are my boys…..

Exploring emotions

The madhouse is full of some very amusing episodes.

Harley's untouched meal....complete with emotions!

And what makes them even funnier is that my kids don’t realise that they are even being funny at all!

Like take last night for example:

I served up dinner and Lucas and Ella sat down happily, said grace and started eating.

Harley threw a fit.

Nothing new there, we get this about 4 nights a week. I picked up my fork and left him to it.

The other 2 kids are so used to this kind of behaviour that they also went on eating oblivious to Harley’s jumping , flailing and whining.

He calmed down a little bit and edged closer to the table to see if he could elicit some sort of reaction from me so I grabbed the tomato sauce bottle (ketchup) and made a smiley face on his plate with it .

I thought this might make him laugh (or even smile at the very least!)

But no. He wasn’t budging.

I went back to eating my dinner and watched out of the corner of my eye as Harley walked around to the other side of the table and grabbed the BBQ sauce bottle and headed back to his seat.

I assumed that his little display of displeasure was over and expected him to sit down and start eating therefore silently admitting defeat.

But I was wrong again.

He used his fork to smear out the happy face I’d made and used the BBQ sauce to make a sad face instead next to it!

Then he pushed his plate away and marched off to his bedroom.

What followed during the next ten minutes conjured up a lot of very mixed emotions in me!

I was annoyed, frustrated,proud, relieved,joyful and sad. All at once.

Harley had taken a pen and a pad of paper into his rom and had drawn a picture of himself on about 8 different pieces of paper, each with a speech bubble coming out of the mouth.

He had then written in each bubble a word and distributed these drawing throughout the house.

He left one on my pillow, one on the table beside me, one on the kitchen bench ….(you get the picture).

I tried REALLY hard to decipher his writing but failed miserably. (Setting him off further).

He went and hid underneath the fuse ball table for half an hour silently rocking.

After we’d finished eating, I went and sat down beside him with all the notes and asked me if he could read them to me.

He did.

The bubbles said “I’m angry”. “I’m sad”. “I’m hungry”. “I’m scared”. “I’m missing Daddy” etc etc.

Mr Patient has been away all week and won’t be home until Friday night. He is REALLY feeling it this time.

But what I took away from this whole experience was annoyance , sadness and frustration at not being able to understand what he was trying to tell me but also incredible joy, pride ,relief and elation at the fact that my boy has moved a huge leap closer towards being able to not only understand his emotions but also to convey them to me!

So it seems that my attempt at making him smile with the sauce actually prompted him to express what was going on inside him. The sad face that he drew back started a domino effect of emotions that just spilled out of him.

I have given him some emotions visual cards that I have had printed up for a while now and he is very excited about that.

Oh yeah…….He had vegemite toast for dinner  in the end!

Sonic segue…..

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WOW!

I just wanted to share some amazing insight that my friend Lisa gave me regarding the post I wrote earlier today entitled “Monologues”.

If you didn’t read it, basically it was written about the conversation that took place this morning at the breakfast table between Ella and Harley.

Harley was talking and talking and TALKING  and delivering a lengthy monologue about Sonic the hedgehog and then after I asked him to stop, he moved onto his other great love “stealth bombers” and their subsonic speed!

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One friend (correctly) pointed out in her comment that maybe there was a correlation between the words “sonic” and it was a natural segue for him and I realised that she was probably onto something.

I had originally just assumed that he had simply gone from one special interest subject straight to another.

But then I received this email from Lisa (who is an adult with aspergers herself) and she has given me permission to share it on here.

She gives a glimpse into how her brain sorted through this and offered me a possible insight into Harley’s though processes.

I was amazed because none of this had occurred to me AT ALL!

So here is a small part of the email:

Hi Fi,

Your post has really made me think today.

Harley went back to his comfort, there is a definite link for Harley between Sonic and the speed thing.

I think personally he is seeing this and connecting to the speed his thoughts are going and feels a comfort in that, as it makes him feel that his thoughts are equal.

Helping him direct his thinking. If this makes any sense.

It does to me. Having something else at equal speed helps him to feel he belongs.

Am I right in thinking that when he speaks about speed or all things sonic he is still and not zooming his body around the house?

Maybe he paces or stims a bit with excitement?

It is a little like lightning jumps and connections.

The only way to stop it happening in my head is to follow the connections.

This then brings me to a point of stillness.

Where the connection make total sense and I feel resolved and content.

I hope you can understand this, it is just how my brain works and I do believe God wants me to be me.

Sometimes, the easier road really is the best one to take

I stopped the car at the school gate this morning and got out to open the car boot to get the kid’s backpacks.

Cue the crying.

I went around and opened Harley’s door and he pulled it towards him as I tried to open it because he didn’t want to get out. I persuaded him to get out with the promise of  nachos for dinner.

He reached in to get out his jumper and we then realised that he had left his at home AGAIN , but this time, he was unwilling to wear Ella’s too big one even after I told him that I’d go home and bring his back.

No.

He threw himself face down in the car park in front of  countless other vehicles and sobbed and sobbed.

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I knew that this was unlikely to be just about the jumper being forgotten and more likely about Daddy being away again.

I reached down and picked him up and carried him towards the gate . As we approached, I now had several parents staring at us (What’s with that? I still don’t understand – it’s not like you’ve never seen us in this exact same position before?) and I started to walk to his classroom.

By walking in, I was officially breaking the school rules that no parent is allowed past the “yellow line” and into the playground before school of until after the afternoon bell has rung.

I didn’t care, my child was distraught and I needed to see his teacher. The bell rung and all the kids rushed to line up but Harley was still gripping me tightly and begging me not to leave him there.

The other year one teacher came over and old me that Mrs H was away today and that made Harley worse.

Once again…….we weren’t pre-warned about this. Yes, it’s in his IEP and it should be made known to him before school so I can prepare him. *SIGH*

So, I looked down at my heartbroken little boy and his panic-stricken face and asked him if he wanted to spend the day with Mummy grocery shopping?

His face lit up and he stood up taking my hand with a tiny but awkward smile forming at the corners of his lips.

He looked at me with his big brown eyes and nodded “yes”.

I glanced over at the teacher who had also witnessed this immediate change in his disposition and I realised how easy it would be to think that he had manipulated me into this.

I knew that he hadn’t. I know that he’s been teetering on the edge of losing every morning this week and I had already considered giving him a “mental health day” but decided to wait as he finished term 3 on Friday anyway.

It turns out that he couldn’t make it that far.

I held his little hand tight and I walked past the other children who were lined up and past the parents who were congregated in the parents area straining their necks to see what was going on and I held my head high.

It was the FIRST time that I can say that I seriously don’t care what people think.

Yes, this was the easy option. Much easier than forcing my child to stay. Much easier than having to leave him sobbing with another teacher .

And much easier than having to sit alone in the car sobbing myself while thinking of my scared, overwhelmed and anxious little boy until I could compose myself enough to drive.

I DID take the easy option. But I also think it was the best and the right option in this case.

Monologues

You know it’s gonna be a GREAT day when you’re lying in bed and you hear……”If you don’t shut-up about Sonic the damn hedgehog, I’ll dump this entire bowl of cocoa bombs over your fat little head”…

Hmmmm, hormonal  much?

Look, I understand where she was coming from……the monologues CAN be a bit trying and the attention to detail, whilst cute at first also gets extremely annoying after say…..ten minutes straight!

But none of that excuses speaking to your little brother like that!

So out I went and stepped straight into the line of fire.

“Harley, we know that you love Sonic, and we appreciate that you know EVERYTHING about him…..it’s just a little bit hard for Ella when she’s trying to eat her breakfast and you are yabbering away in her ear”

Harley looks at me and says (genuinely surprised)  ”Oh, ok – I’ll stop talking about Sonic then”.

I collapse on the chair impressed at myself for nipping this one in the bud.

Until he follows with “So Mum, did you know that the Northropp Grunman B-2 Stealth bomber can drop a bomb and then fly off at subsonic speeds”?

“What does subsonic mean Harley?”

“Ummmm,”

“Exactly…….now eat your toast, there’s a good boy…..

My ten favourite things and why….

I just want to start out by saying that this post is called my ten favourite “things” NOT people!!

That’s why there aren’t any pictures of my family and friends

None of these items cost a lot of money but each and every one of them has a sentimental reason behind it becoming a favourite.

1.  I love , love LOVE my wedding rings.    

They weren’t particularly expensive, they were bought on a whim. Mr Patient and I literally walked into a jewellery store 5 minutes before closing time and I knew exactly what I wanted:

3 stones – I didn’t care if they were diamonds or not but it had to be 3. They were to represent the tie of three cords that cannot be broken – God, Mr Patient and me.

We had a neighbour across the road who was a jewellery maker and designer so we got her to design the 2 wedding bands on either side.

They were plain when we got married but after the birth of our first child Ella, we got them engraved in a filagree pattern and 2 more small diamonds to each band. The man who did this used a microscope and a teeny tiny laser and is the only person (at that stage) who used that technique in Australia so they are 100% one-of-a-kind.

(It helps to know people )

2. My glorious red handbag  

Isn’t it just divine!

Red is my favourite colour in the whole wide world. It’s the colour of passion, of love, of fire and of FAST!

My uber trendy sister gave it to me for Christmas one year and I love it so much that I’m afraid to use it too often in case I damage those magnificent ruffles!

Of course I had to go and buy shoes to match!

Two pairs – no less!

3. Mother’s love  frame:    

If you can’t read the writing it says: A Mother’s love is a gift that lasts a lifetime.

I LOVE that. I know it’s true for myself and also because my own mother is mag-nif-i-cent!!!

This frame is so “UN-ME” that it *IS*  me if that makes sense….No? Well, I mean that…..I’m usually not a fan of tacky or ornaments or dust collectors in general.  But this little beauty was in an op-shop (thrift store) for only 50 cents and the adorable little paper roses and the cute little glass box frame as well (as the writing of course) just screamed “gorgeous” to me….

4. My Grandmother’s rings      

These are special because they are rings from BOTH of my grandmothers.

The plain wedding band on the bottom was my Dad’s mothers wedding ring and the other ring belonged to my mother’s mother. It was (I believe) her own engagement ring.

It’s interesting to me how fashions have changed and how they come and go. Back in their generation, thin bands were what everyone had – probably because of the war and the depression affecting cash flow.

But when I got married in 1998, thicker bands were in. Nowadays, I’ve noticed a lot of Solitaires and thinner bands on 20 something year old girls fingers.

5. Outdoor tea light holder

My Mum gave me this a couple of years ago as a gift and I fell in love with it. I think it only came from Target or somewhere but like I said- sentimental reasons far exceed money values to me.

It is supposed to hang out on your porch or sit on your outdoor table but I love it so much I want it to stay in pristine condition. It currently resides in my bookcase in the study. I love how it stands out so well against the dark timber bookcase.

6. My heart locket    

My parent’s gave me this for my 21st birthday.

I wear it almost every day which explains the dent in the front of it!  It was around my neck on my wedding day and used to contain a picture of myself and Mr Patient taken on our honeymoon though that picture has long been destroyed by wearing the locket in the shower too often!

7. Personal Scrapbook and cards

My best friend Hannah made me this 25 page scrapbook for my 31st birthday.

She has a LOT of photos of me too (good AND bad) since we’ve known each other since she was 3 months old and I was a newborn! Our parents were friends before we were all born and we grew up like siblings. The five of us had a lot of laughs and tears through the years and they are part of the reason that I believe I may have had one of the best childhood’s EVER!

Hannah sends me a card (sometimes 2 ) EVERY . SINGLE . WEEK!  This card on the left in the photo is one I have on display in my home.

Even though she lives 6 hours drive away from me, the friendship has never soured or eased off.

I love her!

8. My daughter’s butterfly canvas  

My sister painted this canvas for Ella’s room a few years back.

It is exactly the same as her quilt cover. I posted  my sister the pillowcase so she could match the colours and she presented Ella with this amazing piece of art for her room.

My sister also designed Ella’s room – the colour scheme, the furniture arrangement  - she is a graphic designer and (can I just say) that she is one of the most talented artists that I know!

9. My Tatty lamp    

This was another find at an op-shop.  I got it for a bargain basement $10!

The dark timber base with the cream knife pleated shade looks wonderful against our newly painted neutral walls and it sits proudly (and magnificently) on our phone table next to the gorgeous dark timber pen and paper holder that I also picked up on a different op-shop spree!

10. Lead Light Dove  

This beautiful dove was given to me many years ago by my grandmother. I have kept it as I love the colours in it and I also love what it represents.

It represents peace.

I used to have it hanging on my window but have had it wrapped in tissue paper the past few years in fear of it smashing to the ground.

But………….as I was photographing this today, I took it outside to get better light for a photo and……I did the unthinkable…….I dropped it on the concrete and broke it *sigh*.

I held it up to the light to get a better shot and I even cut my finger…… and the rest (as they say)…..is history.

Feelings

I wish that I could understand,

there’s so much I don’t get,

I read, I search, I ask, I look

But still, I stay perplexed.

.

Why do you think that what you say

Will make me see your view?

I try to stand there in your shoes,

But still, I’ve not a clue

.

I think that sometimes, you can see

That I am so frustrated,

And even though you try to help,

Your aid seems overrated.

.

“Just leave me be” is what you say

And I’m supposed to know,

That this just means that you just can’t talk,

Not that you wish I’d go

.

For now I think that I’ll just wait,

I know you’ll come ‘round soon,

But until then forgive me please,

If I act like a loon

.

You see, it’s also hard for me

I struggle to see your way,

Because for me things like stress and pain

Are easy for me to display,

.

I know you have a heart of gold,

And do the best you can,

That’s why I want the world to know

I truly LOVE this man,

.

When will the day come that you feel,

Able to let me near

I’ll be here waiting every day,

Because ….I love you Dear…….X

.

Yes……Even men struggle with having children with aspergers……particularly those that see so much of themselves in their children.

I always wanted to speak another language!

Five more school days until the kids are on school holidays for 2 weeks.

That’s good right?

Weeeeell, Maybe for some people.

Us? …………Not sure yet!

Based on the bickering and arguing yesterday – the children were told that if they kept it up, we would go and see the principal and arrange for them to continue going to school during the next 2 weeks while everyone else is on holidays because we didn’t want them at home if they were going to keep fighting.

Of course it was only a joke, but when your aspie children are literal………

We had to explain that we were only “joking”.

Harley turns to me and says: “But it’s not a joke Mum, jokes are supposed to be funny and that isn’t funny at all”.

*Sigh* I do open myself up for moments like these don’t I!

But seriously, I think we wore them out on Saturday and were paying the price for it on Sunday.

****

Saturday morning Ella had soccer. So Mr Patient took her along at 8am and I joined them later with the boys at about 10.

By 12:30 the boys and I were over it and bored silly from all the sitting around waiting for Ella’s next game to begin so I decided to bring them home.

My friend *Sienna and her hubby and their 3 boys were at soccer also and only their eldest one was playing , so Sienna and I decided to take her 2 younger boys and mine and go back to our house until soccer finished.

The amusing part about this was that I had already suggested having lunch together (her family and ours) when we first arrived at soccer and Mr Patient freaked out and looked at me in a panic – I hadn’t pre-warned him of course so I had to gradually get him used to this idea over the next hour.

So home we came and both of our husbands and eldest children arrived about and hour later and we all had a throw together lunch.

After lunch we thought it might be fun to go back to their house so the kids could continue playing on bikes and scooters and the adults could continue chatting.

We did and the kids had an absolute ball! They all played brilliantly together and there were no major scuffles to speak of. Mr Patient surprised me with his socialising skills and I thoroughly enjoyed doing something different for a change.

(*Sienna is one of my closest friends from school but I don’t see a lot of her anymore as I rarely mix with other parents at school. You could say that I avoid them…….)

So come Sunday morning, all 3 boys (Mr Patient included) were highly strung and on edge. We (wisely) decided to stay home from church. I didn’t much fancy the thought of adding to their obvious tension.

Last night after the kids were in bed, Mr Patient asked me to help him fill in a survey that the HR department had given him (one of those stupid waste-of-paper things that HR do to validate their job titles).

He had to answer 40 questions describing himself and his personality.

The four categories that the answers fell into were : Expressive, Analyst, Driver and Connector.

I correctly predicted what his would be : Analyst/Driver.

And he ended up with NO ticks in the Connector section and only a few in Expressive.

Then, just for fun- we did mine too on a separate piece of paper and mine also came back the same as he had predicted.

I was strong in Expressive and Connector. And had no ticks in either Analyst OR Driver………

So we had a giggle and realised that God knew exactly what he was doing when he put us together!

Mr Patient commented off-hand that I can be his Interpreter and I laughed, but later when I put more thought into it, I realised that he is absolutely right!

Maybe…..just maybe……the reason that I am so strong in Expressive/Connector is because I truly AM the Interpreter for the rest of my family…….There have been countless times that I have had to explain to each and every one of them why people say and do the things that they do that my family find strange.

So there you go……..it seems I CAN speak another language!

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Here's a perfectly good reason to drink coffee…..

Because it smiled at me!

Yes, I have fallen off the wagon so to speak.

I have given in to the vice that I should still be avoiding……I tell myself that I will try quitting again.

But not until my kids are older…….Or when I get more sleep…… Or when I have less to do……..Or when I go back to work…..etc etc etc you get the picture.

Summer is on it’s way and I often can’t stand to drink hot drinks then. I may be more successful then.

But for now it’s definitely not the right time.

Yes, I managed to go almost a month without it , but when you have a child that doesn’t sleep, it’d difficult to stay awake during the day without it.

Harley was in our room 5 times last night.

Needless to say : he wasn’t very popular with either of us.

We had a big day yesterday, I think we made too many changes to Harley’s  routine and paid the price that night.

Better days are coming…..

notes from Tony Attwood: part one (via I should have called him calvin…)

This is just fantastic…….
My friend DQ went to see Tony Attwood and took notes and published them on her blog…..there are some fabulous tips here on helping the individuals with aspergers in your life that she has put into point form making them easy to read and understand…:)

Well, I have managed to put together the first stage of my notes from yesterday's presentation by Tony Attwood and Sue Larkey.   I would like to say that these are my impression of what was said only, not an exact record of what was said. The first part of my notes is a kind of summary.   I am sure that for many people, these notes will be very familiar and offer nothing new.  I have written my notes to MYSELF, so please interpret them this way, … Read More

via I should have called him calvin…

I only have one thing to say….

Do you understand Madhouse family?

Actually……I have TWO more things to say….

This is a laundry hamper…..yes, it is empty……

And this is why:

This is the laundry FLOOR – beside the empty laundry hamper???!!!!!

Madhouse family……THIS – IS -NOT – GOOD – ENOUGH!

Yes…..I’m actually smirking too

Sew…..this is my passion!

Two of my favourite things to do are to sew and to play and write music.

-Not that I’ve had much time for either of those things lately!!

But last weekend I decided to bring out the old sewing machine and overlocker and make something special for my children.

Because lately Ella has been doing A LOT of cooking, (in fact she cooked dinner 3 nights last week alone) and has been borrowing my apron , she has asked me if I could buy her her own that would fit her properly!

I looked around the shops and struggled to find one that wasn’t too big or long for her gorgeous lithe frame, so I decided that the only option was to custom make one for her.

So off to the fabric shop we went in search of some beautiful fabric.

She picked this gorgeous pastel striped pattern in a lightweight drill fabric.

While we were there we both decided that it would be nice to surprise the boys with their own aprons too.

So we chose this  army inspired pattern for Harley.

And some Handy Manny type tools for Lucas.

I came home and measured them up and got to work.

As you can see – they love them .

But now I’ve been commissioned to make them matching “cheffy style” hats!

That’ll be THIS weekend

Anger – get behind me!

I thought it appropriate to use one of Harley's visual aids for emotions!

I know that anger is not always a healthy emotion.

But I think that it is an essential emotion nonetheless. Because without it, we are unable to properly express our innermost feelings and hurts, our fears and our pain.

We need to get angry at injustices served to our children, at societies ill-treatment of “different” individuals and the unfair expectations that are sometimes put on them. Because complacency achieves nothing. And as parents – we are supposed to be our child’s number one advocate.

But….(and here’s the kicker) – I don’t think that it’s healthy to “stay” angry. Because from my experience, doing that only causes more strife and friction and upsets everybody. And it’s also not a very good idea to make important decisions whilst you are angry either.

I’m writing very much from personal experience here too. Harley seems plagued by anger and rage at sometimes it’s justified, sometimes it’s not.

We are trying to teach him that being hot-headed won’t make the situation change and it definitely won’t make it easier , but it could possibly make it worse!

And I have had my fair share of anger worthy moments of late.

There was more than enough garbage going on in Harley’s school situation, to illicit some pretty fierce emotions in me but I had to calm down before I approached anyone about it.

I’ve felt a lot of anger towards parents of NT children which I know is NOT good. But if I was to be honest with myself – It’s probably more “jealously” than anger.

And sadness that is also manifesting as anger in me at the moment too.

This morning I walked out of the school yard after walking Harley into school and looked longingly over at the group of the other mothers of the children also in Harley’s year.

I knew that if I were to walk over and try to join in the conversation, that they would probably be polite and at least acknowledge me but I feel that this deep and wide ravine that is between ‘me’ and ‘them’ is getting deeper and larger all the time.

I really struggle internally to hear their stories of their grand plans for the weekend.

I  get sad when I listen to their accounts of their children’s after school activities/sports/dance classes when I know that if it wasn’t for all the therapies that are crammed into my kid’s weeks there MIGHT be a small chance of them also doing something like that . (and yes J, I will ring up about the cricket ) !!!!

And I feel like punching someone when they joke about how little Johnny/Susan had a tanty over their homework.

A little tanty? PLEASEEEEEEE. They wouldn’t know what to do if they got stuck in the middle of one of Harley’s rage outbursts! And over homework? We don’t have “little tantys”……we have full-blown meltdowns complete with the overacted emotional outbursts!

So, in reality….it’s ME that is driving the wedge between them and me.  *I* am the reason that this abyss has formed so I can’t really blame any of them. *I* am the one that avoids social gatherings and *I* am the one that has removed myself from them and all that they represent.

It’s not their fault that they just.don’t.get.it.

And to be completely truthful – before I had to deal with ASD personally – I really had no interest in learning about it either so I need to cut them some slack and realise that they all have issues of their own and their own mountains to climb.

It has helped me greatly in the past to read  The Other Mother by Darcy over at What We Need and Welcome to the club by Jess at A diary of a Mom.

I often go back and read them both and today was one of those days

After we have stripped away our anger, then we can finally put on love and self control.

Without stripping out the root cause for anger, it is like putting a coat of paint on a dirty wall. It will peel off in no time.

First strip off the dirt and then you can lay the paint right on the wall, and it will stick.

Afterwards, real healing can come when we affirm our purpose of living to do God's will, to exert self-control and to love one another.

Proverbs 14:29
“He who is slow to anger has great understanding, But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.

Well said….

This letter is pinned up on the notice board in my children’s paediatrician’s office.

When I first saw it a couple of years ago, I was sad but also impressed.

The last time I went which was only recently, I asked the receptionist if I could possibly have a copy of it and asked if she thought the mother would mind if I blogged it.

She smiled and said…..I know the mother well, I’m sure it would be NO problem.

So ….here it is…..make of it what you will

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Just another doctor’s visit today…….

My five-year old son behaved beautifully. There were no tantrums, no

yelling and he did everything he was asked.

The trip was a success,well I thought…….Until I noticed one mother

shield her daughter so she could not see us. One boy even looked up

for a moment from his PSP and said “right on  bird brain”.

My son has autism and an intellectual handicap. Sure, he makes

strange noises and moves around a lot. We are proud of him, just the

way he is. Best of all, he does not stare, make snide remarks, roll his

eyes or frown upon anyone.

I am thankful that he doesn’t know how rude people can be.

Each time we visit the doctor, I don’t ask for a cure for autism, but I wish

there was an immunisation against ignorance.

Families who have a child with a disability still need to shop for food

and clothes, pay bills and go out and have fun too.

If you are not sure what to do the next time you see someone who is

“not quite right”, please remember that a smile is free. Just a wink or a

nod is priceless to a family with special needs and will out everybody at

ease.

A MOTHER ON BEHALF ON MANY OTHERS.

Here Here…..

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