Last night I lost it.
And I mean LOST IT!
Completely, utterly, entirely and any other superlative that you can think of…….
I sat on the lounge (or rather curled up in the foetal position) sobbing into a cushion, totally overwhelmed by the magnitude of what’s being going on in our lives at the moment.
And I’m sure that anyone that had read my posts yesterday had absolutely no idea just how close to the edge I have been hovering lately.
That’s because I’ve learnt to hide it pretty well.
I know exactly what’s expected of me.
People often say to me “I don’t know how you cope” upon learning that I am raising 2 (possibly 3) children with autism.
And I SO badly want to scream at them “COPE??? I don’t cope – But it’s not like a have a choice do I ???!!!!”
But, society’s unspoken rules find myself smiling stupidly and saying something inane like “Oh well, we all do the best we can with the blessings we have been given” (whilst secretly wanting to “bless” someone else with my “blessings”).
Then I give a little chuckle and move on quickly to the next subject lest someone might actually see through my false smile and notice the woman fiercely treading water in a desperate attempt to stay afloat.
I’m convinced that my current frame of mind can all be attributed to this drama that persists at my children’s school.
I have a wonderful friend in England called Lisa and we regularly communicate via e-mail and lately we’ve branched into video messages.
A couple of days ago, I made her a 15 minute video updating her on the saga that has been ongoing and the problems that we’ve experienced in the past 12 months.
And as I watched it back to check that it was ok to send, I sat there crying.
There has been SO much that has gone on at that school that has been devastating to us and to Harley. And there is SO much more to it than just the debarcle with the casual teacher not being informed about his ASD diagnosis.
I think, hearing it all back at once just brought home how badly we have been treated and how long this has gone on for. It’s easy to forget details when you only focus on “right now”.
And it’s not just with Harley, there has been an ongoing issue with the same staff member firstly with Ella which persisted for 5 years unresolved and now Harley and finally, it appears that we have just been overlooked for Lucas’ Prep interview.
I’m past angry now, I’m actually really really sad.
But not just for myself, I feel for my children who don’t understand things the same way that I do.
I know that a lot of you reading this don’t even know which state I live in in Australia let alone which city, so it’s seems odd that I haven’t elaborated on any of this, but because I do know that there are parents and some teachers at the school that read this blog, I’m forced to write in general terms and be non-specific. I don’t want to give out job titles or names or roles so that no-one can accuse me of slander.
But we have been majorly wronged on several occasions and we are at our absolute wits end.
Personally, I’m tired of fruitless meeting, unfulfilled promises and false hopes being given to us.
The biggest thing that we have constantly had on our minds at the moment is : Yes, we could move schools, move towns etc etc but I’m so afraid that it may end up being a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire.
We’re nervous that we may end up worse off than we are and we don’t want to put the kids through a massive change like that and then live in regret. ESPECIALLY since change is such a big deal to our kids.
So, I guess you could say that it’s a real catch-22.
I rung a close friend the other night and had a big long talk to her and she was absolutely wonderful.
She was aghast at some of the things that I told her and as a teacher herself who has worked with special needs children for years- she was shocked when I went into details.
NONE of these things should have happened, but I realise that I can’t just sit here and dwell on them, I know I need to take action.
I had a chat to one of the facilitators at Lucas’ E.I.group this morning and filled her in (briefly) on the dramas with Harley and she told me that with the obvious delays in Lucas coupled with the lack of understanding and tangible help at the school, that I should look into putting him into a “special” school and not mainstreaming him in 2012 unless big changes are made.
I see her point but there’s still a part of me (my hopeless romantic side) that is holding onto the possibility that things may start to look up soon at school and that it will all be A.O.K.
But if I were to be honest with myself, my rose-coloured glasses are slightly cracking……..