What if………….?

What if…….. one morning, I was to wake up and find my children had been completely “cured” of autism?

What if……..all the special little idiosyncrasies that defined them disappeared as well?

What if……..they were suddenly able to start and continue meaningful conversations with people?

What if……..they realised that they could read my facial expressions?

What if……..they were now able to self regulate and no longer had the urge to stim?

What if……..school work suddenly became manageable and they could understand it easily?

What if………I never had to draw cartoons on a whiteboard again?

What if……..a trip to the shops was as simple as in – pay – leave?

What if……..you could go to any noisy place without earphones and a quick escape plan?

What if……..a crowded cinema with bright lights wasn’t something you needed to be tentative about?

What if……I was able to throw away all the sensory toys that are used to calm or stimulate my child?

What if……..they were able to control themselves in difficult situations and deal with their emotions               without becoming overwhelmed?

I’m not sure that if that was offered to me , I’d take it…………..

You see…….

I love that my children are special.

I love that they are unique.

I love that they are quirky.

I love that they are kind, compassionate and gentle beings,

And I love that they are individuals.

To take autism away, you’d also take away the essential parts of them that make them who they are.

They were perfectly formed by a perfect God.

They are a blessing and a joy.

They are just the way they are meant to be and I am just the mother they need.

Update to my "Mornings in the madhouse" post.

I have thought long and hard about this morning and the ease with which my husband got H off to school.

True, it could have been simply that he doesn’t play P as much as he does  me but I also considered a couple of other options.

H knows that I speak his language and understand him 99% of the time.

He also knows that his father struggles to understand his ways. Not to write a bad word about my husband.  P is aware that I’m writing this post so there’s no secrecy or underhandedness going on here: but P has himself  admitted that  I have a better instinct for reading H than he does.

And H senses this.

H doesn’t often let his guard down in front of people until he’s comfortable in a situation, and Daddy taking him to school was something new, exciting, and special.

Because of my husband’s job, the kids rarely get to have the treat of Daddy doing the school run.

So there’s a possibility that if P was to take him to school everyday, the novelty would wear off and the clingyness  would then start with Daddy.

The other factor that has to be considered is that Daddy was able to focus all his energies and attention solely on him. Lachie was home with me so he had Daddy’s undivided attention.

That never happens when I take him. I have to keep my eye on L whilst easing H into his day.

Maybe I’ll never know the answer.

Maybe it was a little bit of each?

All I know is that tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning.

It's all subjective really…..

Most of my blogs stem from conversations I’ve had with friends and/or family and occasionally things I either read, watch or hear through the media/internet.

You see, my brain is the kind of brain that goes away after discussions and thinks through every aspect of the conversation in detail and analyses it until I’m satisfied with my personal feelings on that particular matter.

The people I’m talking to are generally not aware of how my actual emotions are connected to things because often, I am not either until later.

Sometimes I over think things and sometimes I come up with the wrong answer but I rarely take things at face value anymore.

Recently I had a discussion with a good friend of mine who doesn’t have special needs children.

She was saying how there were some ASD and ADHD children in her son’s class and how disruptive they were to her son and how unfair it was on the rest of the class to have to wait for the teacher to deal with them all the time.

I saw her point and because she is a great friend and always will be, I know her heart and it is not one to cause offense or be judgemental so I let the comment slide.

For a little while…………

I was thinking about it again today in a different light and I remembered something that I heard at an autism workshop I attended recently . The subject we were discussing was behaviour at school.

The lady that was leading the seminar gave a great example to answer this question.

She said…….”Imagine, I were an ER doctor who was fully qualified in CPR and the person next to you had a heart attack”……..

…….”And even though I could step in and start CPR and mouth to mouth, I choose not to ……because it’s not fair to everyone else here that didn’t have a heart attack”.

She then went on to explain that by not giving our kids the help they needed because the other kids are being left out is no different to the ER doctor not wanting to “play favourites”.

It’s ridiculous when you put it like that but it sure makes a great point!

I totally understand where parents of well behaved, highly achieving,  ”normal” children  are coming from when they complain about their kids flying under the radar .

However: because I am a parent of 2 (perhaps 3) ASD children, I also see that it’s not our kids’ faults that they are born autistic (or with a special need) just as the person having the heart attack didn’t choose it either.

Just a little food for thought…….

Awww…..my widdle boy is famous- (well….sort of!)

This isn’t really a “post” …. More like a “boast” lol!

We were filling in the form for L to go to Prep at the kid’s school next year and had just finished and closed the cover.

Our daughter picked up the form and got really excited and pointed out to us that the standard form had a photo of our little H that was taken when he was in Prep on the cover.

For me, as his mum, looking at this pic I can see the autism mind clearly at work as he studies his puzzle pieces unaware that the camera was even there.

But it wasn’t until 12 months after this that he was formally diagnosed.

He’s so cute I could just squeeze him!

But he probably wouldn’t let me…………

Amateur Diagnoses

My hands are full......just the way I like it...

I was asked recently, why it is that every conversation I have ends up somehow being about autism?

Why do I seem to see autism everywhere I go?

How come I’m always detecting autistic traits in people in the public eye, school yard and society in general?

I had to think about my answer and here’s what I eventually came up with:

Because autism is SO much a part of our and our children’s lives, and it is so intrinsically woven into every  aspect of their beings, it’s hard not to recognise AS or it’s symptoms being displayed in other people because I live with it all day every day.

I mean, I certainly don’t seek it out, it almost “jumps” out at me.

I’m on the internet most days, reading other ASD mother’s blogs, looking up new studies, information and ideas on raising autistic children and I have SO much literature on the subject that I have actually read. I have attended numerous autism conferences and have a wonderful group of aspie mum friends that I regularly share with.

It still overwhelms me that despite this: there are still volumes of things that I DON’T know about autism and still need to one day learn!

I know that I can only do my best, and that I’ll probably never know EVERYTHING about autism, but I doubt that I’ll ever stop researching it.

ANY tips or pieces of advice that I can pick up to make my sons’ and my family’s lives easier is worth a try in my books!

I think that raising autistic children is what my “calling” is in life. And I have developed ( and I say ‘developed’ because to my knowledge, I never had it before having H) a compassion for ASD kids and want to see them all (not just my own) grow into adults that are exceptional and well adjusted and without the knowledge and understanding to back this up, I’m not going to be much use to them!

Today I’m really tired as we had an “interesting” morning at school with H and I spent half the night in each of the boy’s beds with them because of their sleeping issues, so I may read this back tomorrow and realise that I’ve shared too much of my heart, but for now, it all sits quite alright with me

I should have just done it myself!

Me: ” H, would you please tidy your room”                                                                                          

H: “I can’t, I don’t know how.”

Me: ” You need to make your bed and put away your toys”

H: (puzzled) “Make my bed into what?” “Put my toys where?”

Me: (rolling my eyes) ” Pull up your sheets and doona” . “Toys go in the toybox”

H: “ok” …..makes his bed.

Me: “Well done mate…now you need to put your toys away”

H: “I can’t mum.”

Me: “Yes you can. Why do you think you can’t?”

H: ” I don’t know where to put them?”

Me:  (getting agitated) “In your toybox remember”

H: “Oh yeah”.

Me: (hurredly)  ”Come on then”

H:  (getting flustered) “But how?”

Me: “Put teddy on your pillow….(he does that)

Put your books in your bookcase  (takes a full  2 minutes).

“Great job” “Now put your shoes  back in your cupboard” (wait another 2 minutes).

“Excellent….now put your cars in the toy box”

H: “Which cars mum?”

Me: ( agitated  beyond belief by now) “THE ONES ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR…..PUT THEM IN THE TOYBOX!”

H: (honestly clueless as to why I’m annoyed) ” Why are you  yelling mum?”

Me: (sitting down cross legged on the floor putting the cars in the toy box myself because 10 minutes has passed and I’m over the step by step instructions) ” BECAUSE I WANT YOUR ROOM TIDIED UP!”

H: “Well, you just had to ask mum!”

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10 Things H wants people to know….

1. I have feelings and emotions just like everyone else. I don’t always know how to express them and they sometimes overwhelm me.   Talking about me or my behaviour while I am in the room is a very bad idea. I have autism- I am not deaf or stupid.

2. My parents did not make me this way by bad parenting. They are doing the best they can with what they know. I do not need to be medicated, punished or cured. I was born this way.

3. This is how God planned for me to be. It cannot be smacked out of me, nor will I grow out of it. If I am having a meltdown, don’t always assume that it’s because I didn’t get my own way. If my environment is crowded, noisy or action packed, my sensory system becomes overloaded.

4. I did not choose to be different. I just am. I am proud of who I am because I am unique. All autistic people are individuals and different to each other. Please do not pigeon hole or stereo-type me.

5.When you ask me a question….you need to wait for my answer. I need time to process it and may take more time than usual to answer. Please don’t hurry me, it will only cause me stress. I need to go at my own pace.

6. I need to complete my sentences in full. If you cut me off mid sentence or finish it for me, I will lose my momentum and get frustrated. This may cause me to meltdown.

7. If you are talking to me and you lean over and touch me- I may react badly. Please remember that you need to ask to touch me. I’m very sensitive to touch. What feels like a brush on the arm to you , feels like a razor blade to me. I  need to be pre-warned.

8. Just because I don’t look you in the eye doesn’t mean I’m not listening to you. I find it almost impossible to do both at the same time.

9. I see things as either black or white. There is no grey. There’s no point trying to make me see otherwise. I am only 6. I still need to learn the social art of diplomacy.

10. I am trying my best to fit into “your” world, so please learn more about autism so you can understand mine.

Hold it in with all your might…..

I was reading this quote today and I found it to be very profound.

“With Asperger’s, life is a stage. The curtain goes up while they are in public and down when they are at home. Because other people do not see the problem, they question your sanity–you are on your own. In some families, denial has held the family together for generations, and you want to bring down the scaffolding.” –Tony Attwood, leading expert on AS

This was so true for me personally this morning as I walked my son into school.

Yesterday was the Anzac Day public holiday so in my son’s eyes – everything had changed.

He was confused because you DON’T start your school week on a Tuesday, assembly is supposed to be on Mondays,  and his sister (who is in middle school) was wearing her sports uniform as they have different sports days to Junior school and he had to wear his regular shirt, tie , pants and blazer.
(He already has massive sensory issues with this uniform to start with so seeing her wear the more comfortable option was hard on him).

So I was wondering how he was going to handle himself this morning.

I fed him breakfast separately in a different room to his siblings to keep him calm, I physically dressed him even though he’s almost 7 so that he didn’t get frustrated with the clothing and I packed his bag for him instead of making him do it himself……all because I desperately wanted to avoid a meltdown of any description!

He held it together all morning bless him and even though he held tightly to my hand and used his sad puppy eyes on me as I left, I still wonder if it’s all being built up for this afternoon as it so often is.

I guess only time will tell but what I struggle with as a mum of ASD children is the extreme lengths I have to go to so my child and family “appears”  natural. It’s about time the scaffolding came down!

I love this!

There seems to be a trend in autism blog land to write down 10 things that their children would like you to know about them.

This blog is what lead me to this idea. It is so brilliantly written and does a wonderful job of explaining her son.

Later on when I’ve had more time to come up with my own list, I will post it on here.

"Why me?" The big question……

I could sit here and say that I’ve never asked that question but I would be lying.

I think that its always a phrase that pops up occasionally, especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated.

But I think that the most important thing is remembering not to stay in that frame of mind. It can end up being toxic to my thinking in general.

The question I really should be asking is: Why NOT me?

I actually feel honoured if the truth be known. It’s a huge call to have to deal with autism and the many layers of symptoms that come with it and it literally blows me away to think that God trusts me to raise them! Especially when I’m in a darker season and weighed down by my emotions, doubts and fears.

It’s a daily sacrifice that I have to make. I cope some days because I HAVE to cope……who else is going to do it if I fall apart?

I’m reminded of a post that one of my new friends in blog land has made recently on her blog regarding being more diligent in looking after her own health because there is so much responsibility that goes along with raising these kids and SO much to learn that the thought of passing early and leaving them alone is frightening!

Our kids cling to us because they know we “get” them and that makes them feel safe.

But at the same time, I need to learn to withdraw a bit and take more of a backseat at some stage in their futures so the boys can grow into whatever they are destined to be.

Just because they have autism doesn’t mean that they don’t have an extremely promising future ahead of them.
Autism is a “difference” more than a disability if you asked me. They have amazing potential to excel at whatever they put their hands and minds to.

And as I wrote in a previous post , that when autistic people go into the workforce doing something they love and are good at……they become so blinkered and focused on the task at hand that they end up being leaders in their chosen field.
You just have to watch episodes of The Big Bang Theory to see this in action!

So, whilst the hard days can often bring me to my knees begging for it to end, the days that I feel blessed and honoured and thankful to be chosen to be the one to raise these amazing children far outnumber them

Tequila

Ah my son makes me laugh.

My kids go to a christian school which I have to add first to help add to the humour of this story.

For the last few nights we have had my husband’s iPod playing on the speakers while we eat dinner and the kids always ask for the song Tequila as they love dancing to the saxophone etc.

So we’ve been obliging and putting it on for them after they’ve finished eating and they all dance around and be silly. (Ahem, sometimes the parents also join in and the broom comes out and we limbo under it but that’s a whole other blog waiting to be written!)

Anyhoo, tonight after about the 5th time on repeat our son Harley turned to us and said breathlessly:

” I can’t wait til tomorrow so I can tell my teacher that you let us have tequila every night this week after dinner!”

Wouldn’t the authorities have fun with that!

The therapy dilemma.

Well now that holidays are over and term 2 is in full swing, all the therapies start up again.

We are fortunate to have a speech therapist and on occupational therapist (OT) come to our home so that we don’t have to drag all 3 kids to all the appointments.

And we are thankful that the Australian Government has a scheme in place for early intervention for ASDs. It’s called the Helping children with autism (HWCA) package.

It is only available until the child turns 7 which is only 3 months for H.
L will still have funding as he is still in the pre-school age group but we are faced with a dilemma.

H is by far, much more in need of therapies than L (though L has significant speech delays and once his funding runs out we are out on our own again.

I already have 4 out of 5 weekday afternoons taken up with speech, OT appts for both boys and tutoring for H and an after school socialising aspergers group for H and whilst on one hand, it would be nice to have some free time again after school, on the other hand, H desperately needs these therapies to continue to function.

His O.T. is doing a Sensory Integration Diet with him but it’s overwhelming to think that if we don’t continue it after the funding runs out, that it will all fall on me to do this therapy in the home by myself.

I’m sure I will get my thoughts more together before then and come up with a solution. Maybe cut back to fortnightly visits or take him out to playgrounds after school etc etc.

I’m only journalling my thoughts on this not panicking, as his birthday gets nearer, my head will be clearer.

It’s funny because I often pat myself on the back because I feel I’ve learned so much about autism in the past 3 years but then you do some research and discover that there is SO MUCH more to learn and that it’s really only the tip of the iceberg in terms of knowledge and practicality.
But right now, I’m feeling overwhelmed and I can smell the coffee brewing (God bless my husband) so I’m making the decision to push it aside for another few weeks and deal with it then lol!

Friends…..some will stay, some will go and there's nothing you can do about it.

Way back when I had the brain tumour 5 years ago, I really found out who my friends were.
Having autistic children is much the same.
There are groups of people that completely avoid you, not because they don’t like you – far from it. It’s because they don’t know what to say or how to act.

You see, autism is a scary word. Even though it’s not contagious and it isn’t always an obvious disability – it is ALWAYS there.
I’ve categorised my friends into 3 main groups at the moment.

1. Those that are also on the autism highway and totally and completely “get” me and my life.
2. Those that don’t necessarily live my life but are willing to learn more and gain a better understanding of autism and can therefore support us through thick and thin
And then there’s the 3rd group:
3. The people that I had friendships with once but no longer have them due to their judgemental attitudes and refusal to see that my child(ren)s behaviour isn’t due to lazy or inconsistent parenting. There are also people that I meet that instantly go into that category …..sadly.

But being a Christian…..I need to move on from past hurts. It’s really hard but if I want to grow as a person and move on in God, I need to forgive those that left us high and dry. And also those that refuse to see past what they see on the outside and judge us from their own prejudices.

I know that there is usually only a handful of people in anyone’s lives that you can truly count on. And I thank God because I am truly blessed. I have far more than a handful. So thank you to all my beautiful friends. xxx

One of those days…..

Well…….Today was one of the worst we have had with H.
To put it bluntly…..he was horrible.
As a result, there was absolutely no way we were going to attempt church. No-one should have to see him like that. It was enough that we had to.

He occasionally has these days where you realise that giving him his space and keeping his environment calm is pretty much all you can do.

A lot of people simply don’t “get” it and to put him in a situation where he can be judged on his behaviour is just cruel.

So we pretty much had to let him ride it out. We only step in and take control of a situation when he is putting himself or a sibling in dangers way. Like when he punched his brother for taking his toy. He gets non-verbal when he melts down and can only communicate by groaning, grunting, screaming and jumping/spinning/flapping.

These are the days when you don’t doubt the autism diagnosis for a second. The days when you wonder why you got up.The days that you keep looking at the clock willing it to be bedtime.

The only saving grace is that tomorrow is a new day and for that I am thankful.

Chocolate pizza….

I mentioned in a previous post that my family is now gluten and dairy free….completely!

There are 2 main reasons for this.

1: I am intolerant to gluten, dairy and yeast myself & have been off it for 12 months already &
2: there have been numerous reports that autistic children may benefit from avoiding these “possible” behaviour triggering foods, and my middle son who I think would benefit the most from a radical diet change wasn’t happy about having to give up foods that the others didn’t have to.
So the solution was to put the whole entire family on the same diet.

My eldest child (the 45 yr old one!) put up the biggest fight of them all!
But gradually they are all getting used to it.

Today for lunch I experimented and made a pizza base that was completely free from gluten, dairy and yeast. I used soda water to make it rise and I was shocked that it actually worked!
Not only that, EVERYBODY loved it!. Even my hardest to please child was raving over it.
I made the kids eat some of the “healthy” one first – ham and tomato but their treat was the other half: a chocolate pizza for dessert.

I found some gluten and dairy free chocolate spread at Coles as well as some gluten free marshmallows.
I was so proud of my success I just HAD to share it Recipe is here.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am generally not a huge fan of cooking so I’m happy dancing all over the place right now!

Mealtimes are often a nightmare around here with picky children with bland taste buds and limited choices but right now I’ve got at least 1 recipe that we all enjoy .

It's my blog and I'll blog if I want to :-)

I like to talk.
Anyone that knows me personally is already well and truly aware of this.
I love to connect with people. I also love meeting new people – I find it exciting.

Being a stay-at-home-mum doesn’t always allow for much adult conversation time. That’s why I’m journalling my thoughts.

My husband jokes that now that I am blogging, I will use up a lot of the 20,000 words that women alegedly use per day.
I tell him that at least 10,000 of them are used reminding him of all the things he keeps forgetting to do. But never mind.

I get it from my dad. And he got it from his dad. And my sister says my niece gets it from me- her aunty. My daughter seems to have inherited it too though she is much more selective of her talkative and quiet times. I am not.

God made me this way. I am exactly what he planned. He loves me just as I am so I am learning to love me too. I struggle but I will get there.

The thing about blogging is that I can write whatever and whenever I like and it doesn’t matter if no-one reads it. It’s off my chest and out there in the big bad blogging world. It’s extremely therapeutic.

I got burnt on face book for being too honest. Seems other people can’t handle my life. But that’s ok, I’m not asking them to. I know that the God given grace to raise my kids is MY grace for MY situation and that will never change.

This is my haven, my venting post, my sanity. I choose to be as positive as I can. There are days when it’s too hard. I may not write as much then.
But it’s MY blog to call the shots on.

Let’s face it. Being a stay-at-home-mum can be mind numbingly boring and tedious, but it can also be exciting, delightful and satisfying. For now, it’s the perfect life for me. I’m cherishing these years because I know I won’t ever get them back again. Once they’re gone….they’re gone.

And I’m going to blog my way through them so I have something to go back and read when my kids are no longer 10, 7 and 4.

The challenges will change and the things that are upsetting me now will probably amuse me in the future. For now I’m going to go one day at a time and enjoy every step along this journey.
I hope that you all will come with me x

Be careful you don't miss it…..the sibling effect.

I had one of those moments this week that made me really sit up and pay attention.

I have 3 children. My Daughter Ella is 10. My son Harley is 7 and he has autism and my youngest son Lucas is 4 and also has a diagnosis of autism.

The 3 kids were outside playing and from what I could hear as I prepared dinner was laughter, the odd excited squeal and lots of activity!

Me and my precious Ella.

They were having a great time playing on the trampoline, shooting basketball hoops and riding their scooters.

Suddenly the peace was disrupted by a loud bang, and LOTS of crying and yelling.

I ran outside to investigate and get to the bottom of what happened.

This is no easy task when you have a 4 yr old with speech delays, a 7 yr old who becomes non-verbal when overly anxious and a 10 yr old who goes into her own world and literally shuts down in crisis.

The boys scream and cry and my daughter just stands still with a faraway look in her eyes – she escapes to a calmer place in her head.

Eventually I worked out that the game they were playing (which consisted of a skipping rope tied to the clothesline -I know…….mother of the year for not noticing and stopping THIS earlier) , had gone pear shaped when the “rules” changed and H didn’t cope.

I told them that the game was banned and explained that it was way too dangerous and that should have been that. I was cuddling Harley because he was still distraught and I knew he needed that.

Ella had been silent the entire time then looked at me with anger in her eyes and hissed at me ” Typical, you always take HIS side. Just because he has autism you believe him every time and it’s always my fault. I’m so sick of him being your favourite!”

I was absolutely shocked because I’d rarely heard such venomous words from her but at the same time I was OH SO proud of her because this was the exact opposite of her usual reaction which is to take flight.

This was her actually verbalising her emotions and it showed me something that I needed to be made aware of, something that needed to be remedied.

I immediately took her inside , made her a drink then gave her the most massive hug she’d ever had and dried her tears with my shirt.  We sat there and hugged for what felt like hours.

I was now in tears myself as I put myself in her shoes and didn’t like what I’d seen.

There was an element of truth to what she’d said – not the part about him being my favourite because that’s absolute garbage and I carefully explained to her that I loved each and every one of my children EXACTLY the same amount and my love for them was unconditional.

But the part about me taking his side. I guess it has always been easier to avoid meltdowns by taking advantage of her good nature and placating him. She has been such a blessing to me from day 1 that she has somehow flown under the radar. It’s not fair.  And my youngest Lucas is ALWAYS loud and being only 3 he still takes a lot of my time and energy and there isn’t much left at the end of the day.

She doesn’t get praised or rewarded enough for her constant compliance , obedience and easy going nature. She felt like she wasn’t getting noticed at all.

This afternoon I took her out. We went out for “coffee” together – she had iced chocolate. We went browsing at the shops, talked HEAPS about whatever was on her mind and tonight after the boys go to bed we are painting our toenails together and crimping our hair.

I thought I was doing well by balancing family, autism and life but it appears there are some major cracks that need repairing. But I’m SO willing to do whatever it takes and not  EVER let it get to this again.  I’m using this as a lesson – that I have to make a conscious effort to see past the autism that surrounds me and see the bigger picture.

My eyes are now open a lot more than they have been in the past and it’s going to stay that way from now on.

Sleep interrupted…..

Last night was awful.

Child number 3 woke up screaming at 2am. And again at 3am and finally at 4am I decided enough was enough and went and climbed into bed with him.

All night he thrashed, tossed and turned, groaned, poked and kicked me.

He’s almost 4 yr of age so he should know better. (that’s my 4am brain talking)

He talked in his sleep…… a lot……… – he was having night terrors and occasionally sat up in bed screaming murder with a look of absolute terror on his face. After a few minutes he would lie back down and go straight back into another fitful sleep. During the terrors he didn’t even know I was there. It was in his sleep.

At 6am he woke up ready to start his day. I turned on his light and told him to stay in his room playing with his toys until everyone else was awake.

I went back to my bed.

At 10am my husband comes in with a cup of freshly brewed coffee made just the way I like it. ( he’s learning bless him!)  

Parenting any child is never easy……..and none of last night  had anything to do with autism it was all typical pre-schooler sleep problems.

But sleep deprivation for me and autism are never a good mix. So here’s hoping for a calm, easy day without  incident and all will be well in the madhouse!

And look at this face……how could I stay angry?

Out of the mouths of babes..

My little H has been doing some serious thinking lately…….

He said to me this afternoon : “Mum, you know how you told me that God is really big and strong?”…..

and I hesitantly said “yes”

“Well” , he continued……” you know how you also told me that he disciplines his children because he loves them”…..( I could see where this was going)……

and I answered .”Um, yes”…

“Well, does that mean that if God smacks your bottom it would really really hurt because I don’t think I’d like that!”

Kids say the darndest things!

No autism here today thanks…….

That was the first thing that I said this morning…..right after “Good morning, Lord, Thank you for my wonderful family”

Who was I kidding?!………..

I walked out of my bedroom to find my daughter sitting at the breakfast table staring absently into space with a spoon hanging from her hand, my middle child walking around in circles holding his lego and talking to it and my youngest lining up all the boxes that were in the recycling bin into size order….hmmmmmm.

Arranging the recycling

I suppose I was kidding myself. Autism is a neurological disorder – not something that they will magically grow out of or be cured of.

Having said that – I DO believe that it’s God’s will to heal and that it is more than possible for him to completely deliver my children from autism but I also realise that this is my reality now and I can’t stick my head in the sand and refuse to admit that it’s there.

And it’s VERY there. Especially on days like today.

My middle son H (who I refer to in most of my blogs as he is the one who seems affected the most- he has more sensory, behaviour and social issues than the other two).

As I was saying- my middle son H started this morning ok. Apart from the introverted little lego game he was playing by himself- he wasn’t upsetting anyone and nothing was upsetting him. That is…….until it came time to leave for school. It’s like the reality just hit him that staying home in his own little “safe” world wasn’t an option.

It started in the car. He was whimpering because he forgot his teddy bear.

Then the radio was too loud,

Then his brother was humming and that drove him nuts. Then he dropped his lego man on the floor and it went under the seat. And lastly because we had to stop at a red light and the sun was streaming in the window in his eyes- he was tipped over the edge,

And finally as we pulled up to school, the whimpering had turned into full blown kicking, screaming, punching, rocking, head banging and tears were streaming down his little face.

I couldn’t get him to climb out of the car so I had to physically pick him up and carry him into school. All the while he was still in complete meltdown mode.

He clung to me like a leech and begged me not to leave him. I couldn’t get him to go and line up once the bell had gone so I had no other alternative but to take him down to “the cottage”.

The cottage is a wonderful understanding place. It is where the special needs teachers work and where the special needs kids are allowed to go anytime for any reason. It is on the school property but right down the bottom near the oval. A real “escape” for the kids. I turned up on the doorstep this morning with both me and H in tears. I was given a huge hug and a cup of tea was made for me immediately.

H sat happily at a desk drawing and he was a calm, quiet happy little boy again.

He is so overwhelmed by the amount of kids running around in the playground in the morning, the noise is deafening to him and the expectations on him to act “normal” are all too much.

I endured the stares of other mothers and children who don’t “get” it as I carried him screaming and kicking down to the cottage and realised something profound.

I realised that I am the absolute BEST mother for this precious little boy. He knows that I speak his language and can translate the foreign for him – of course he doesn’t want me to leave! The special needs teachers are remarkable. Not only are they bi-lingual, they are understanding, caring, and extremely passionate about our kids and their parents.

I read this wonderful article yesterday written by an ASD mum in America outlining the talk she gave to her son’s class explaining why he is so attached to her. It’s really worth a look!

In fact she answers a huge amount of questions for the class but it’s a lot of reading so start with this article as it relates directly to my blog.

She has named it :  Konnichiwa.

Happy reading